Well-Dressed Portly Men

Dear jeepers,

I like the look of lean, well tailored suits but I am--ahem--husky and only foresee more husk in my future. That--coupled with a thrifty nature some mistake for miserliness-- keeps me out of such bespoke finery. So what do I do?

signed,
Poor and portly


Dear Portly,

So, you're fat and broke? Don't expect Jeepers to cuddle you adoringly for your confession. (Although we do have a secret penchant for men's big bellies.) While portly and poor are both fine things to be if you are happy with it, we can detect some deep pain beneath your sardonic bravura. Why not lose weight and get rich, quick? (You could start a line of gorgeous clothes especially for portly men, or play Powerball!)

In the meantime, my chubby darling, you should sew your own big clothes, or save your pennies for a few good, big pieces, which you may wear over and over, with cheap tees and button-downs.

Before you know it, you might be eligible to enter a contest!

Yrs,
Jeepers

Sexy Funeral

Dear Jeepers,
What do you do when you're in love, bustin' at the seams, feel like dancing, you're suddenly able to sing along with Mary J. Blige, running ten miles a day for fun--fast--and basically on top of the damn world--and all the clothes for spring are black, grey, or some drab inbetween color I don't even know the name for? Where's the yellow minidresses and skyblue flutter pants I feel like wearing?

-Sophie Mark

Dear Sophie,
Well, you could ignore the trend, or you could concentrate on the things drab colors force us pay extra attention to: shape, scent, attitude, details, and walk. Just because you shouldn't wear candy stripes doesn't mean you have to banish joy. We mean, just because you're at a funeral doesn't mean you have to dress like someone just died.

Lotion yourself up with almond butter, show your bod, flirt with toddlers on the subway, buy flowers for your house/apartment, shop for pretty stationery and tea cups, do WHATEVER IT TAKES TO STAY AWAY FROM COLOR. (Um, we just quit smoking and are obvs. conflating the two ideas.)

We love Mary J. Blige!

Yrs,
Jeepers

Birthday Suit

Another cartoon The New Yorker won't buy. Oh well. Out with the old, in with the new. Tonight, in the last few minutes of our birthday, we say good-bye to old cartoons, cigarettes (farewell! again!), and well...youth. But what a lovely day: Piles of beautiful, thoughtful presents, the phone lines tied up with calls from all over the country, and a new, sumptuous pair of striped pajamas, with pockets and a grosgrain ribbon tie. And sweet friends*, including the one who wrote this kangaroo's line.

*Bold denotes extra emphasis

The Envelope(s) Please

After sifting through the nearly dozens of brilliant entries into our Fashion-Related Constitutional Law Analogy Contest, we have selected the winners. Unfortunately, both have offered analogies that strain our drawing abilities, so you'll have to wait a bit to see the pictorial representation of their grand ideas. (Plus, tomorrow is cartoon meeting day at The New Yorker, and we have zero toons completed.)

So, until we draw up the winners' ideas, suffice it to say that the hilarious Walt came up with a succinct and absurd analogy, while his co-winner, David Marc Fischer, offered a less succint, but equally apt and cogent, parable of injustice. Congrats, you two! (Old Hag, darling, and my dearest Shannon, you will always be first in my heart, even at your most confusing and irrelevant. Lauren C. of Lux Lotus, you've cast me into dispair, because I was still trying to convince myself that maybe short-sleeved jackets could maybe be a good idea, under some circumstances. Like, at a board meeting where the air-conditioner is on the fritz? Or, for the inauguration of a Bermudian president? But I guess not.)

Visiting New York

Dear Jeepers:

I'm from Iowa and am planning a week-long visit to New York, starting this weekend. Can you suggest some outfits. I don't want to look like I'm a tourist from Iowa.

Thanks,
Carolyn V.

Dear Carolyn,

Why don't you want to look like a tourist from Iowa? We have recently discovered that there is no such thing as disguise. While you may be able to manage the look of a well-dressed tourist from Iowa who has made the effort to be stylish on NYC terms, you will never manage to look like a visitor from Georgia who has recently kicked a meth habit and is here to see her cousin. You could only achieve the look of a visitor from Iowa trying to look like a recovering addict visitor from Georgia here to see her cousin. See?

Anyhoo, here are some suggestions: Long shorts, tight short jackets, dark jeans, punk rock accents like ratty vests or neon earrings, flat round-toed shoes, crazy color combinations but with an overall muted palette. Avoid University of Iowa sweatshirts and white running shoes.

(By the way, we are loving very short, messy hair lately. It hasn't caught on yet, except among middle-aged women everywhere, but we think it's the next big thing, despite Vogue magazine's recent big feature on long tresses.) We are all so tired of struggling constantly to be pretty pretty pretty. Fuck you, you know? So, this very second, we think short-short boy cuts with a bright mouth and a bare left shoulder is HOT.)

Wishing you a wonderful stay,
Jeepers

Clean Underwear

Awakened, as usual, by Morning Edition on NPR. Maddening: some Pepperdine Law School "constitutional law" professor admonishing Sen. Feingold for asking "extreme" hypothetical questions like, "Does the President of the United States ever have the right to murder a suspected terrorist without court approval?" The professor's point seemed to be: Don't force presidents into a corner, thus restricting a power they may later really need.

A woman, just some little ole citizen, said of the wire tapping (the wire tapping WITHOUT ANY COURT SUPERVISION, REVIEW, OVERSIGHT) is fine by her, because "If you're not doing anything wrong, you shouldn't mind."

If you're wearing clean underwear, you shouldn't have any objections to government guys looking up your skirt. Why should they have to go to some judge and ask permission to look up your skirt? Especially if it's to save the country from terrorists?

Umm...what?

Any better, fashion-centric wiretapping analogies you've got for us would be greatly appreciated. So.....CONTEST ALERT! Please submit your fashion related constitutional law wiretapping analogy by midnight on Friday. The winning entry will see his or her analogy illustrated and lauded on this very site over the weekend.

Love,
Jeepers

UPDATE: Winners announced!

Very Traditional

Jeepers,

I've got 2 questions, one about what to wear, one about what to DO. My wedding is coming up in three weeks and my dress is GORGEOUS, my bridesmaids (all seven of them!) will be in beautiful, pale pink dresses with full, tulle skirts (like ballerinas), etc. I have something borrowed (my mommy's pearls), something old (the wedding slippers my GRANDMOTHER was married in), but nothing BLUE! Mommy says just to wear blue panties, but I don't want to cheat. I want to really have something blue, something people can SEE. What's something nice and blue I could add to my ensemble, without ruining my perfect pink and white wedding?

THANKS!
Suzanne


Dear Suzanne,

Blue eyeshadow?

Because your mother is right: The statue clearly states, in section 2b paragraph 7, that "The second party (hereafter referred to as "the bride") shall at the time of her nuptials be wearing something old, meaning older than the bride at the time of the wedding; something new, meaning not to exceed three weeks in origin or length of time in bride's possession; something borrowed, meaning lent to the bride for a period not to exceed four days past the wedding; and something blue, meaning something blue in color worn or carried anywhere on the bride's person for the duration of the ceremony, to include flowers, undergarments, or cosmetics."

So THERE.

Your guests will be celebrating the seen and unseen: your dress, his tie, your love and devotion to each other, how much he cracks you up, your long and happy future...

Don't shove cake in his face!

Yrs,
Jeepers

Until It's Really Spring

Dear Jeepers:

What's in this week? The weather where I am (Virginia) is very mild. The daffodils are out, the air is warm, but we don't know if we can trust it. Any clothing advice in these confusing times?

Thanks,
Louisa Field


Dear Ms. Field,

Well, here in New York today it was suspiciously nice too--mid-sixties, fat blue sky, people "smiling." We spied a woman in a squash-yellow tunic and she looked pretty pleased with herself to have guessed perfectly what to wear. As far as trends go, it seems to be all about short pants or skirts paired with dark tights and flat boots (or cowboy boots). Also, some nice skirts & light colored stockings with pale flats. The Naked Legged, Barefoot Look, without really being either.

In short, buy some stockings, round-toed shoes, and tops in muted colors. The only bright colors we're tolerating this week are squash and red. Top with short leather jacket.

Next week will be a completely different story.*

Love,
Jeepers

*Coming soon (really): What to wear in space.

Why Is The Duck on That Woman's Head Staring at Me?

Had Jesus lived in different times and been more interested in fashion, he may have told this parable, of the woman with a duck on her head passing judgment on another woman with a duck on her head.

Art? Or Just Little Ol' Illustration?

Here is a couple discussing cat litter procedures.The man is proposing a twice per week removal. The woman is waiting for her turn to say, "You and what army?" They are both wearing 100% cotton terry robes (not pictured).

Went to the Armory Show yesterday: As Marshall said, it was like watching an entire basketball team trying nothing but hail mary's. Perhaps not enough smooth, practiced layups. (Also, are you sick of collage, pencil drawings of pussy, unfunny cartoon roughs, sliced up maps, and collage collage collage?)

Nevertheless, points were scored! We personally were amused/delighted/inspired by Kelly McLane, Ann Craven, Gabi Hamm, Rita Ackerman, Marco Boggio Sella, Susanne Simonson, Sophie Hellermann, and Walton Ford.

Coming soon to this site: What to wear in space.

Get Your Ducks in a Row, Jobseekers

Dear Jeepers:

What's your take on solids versus patterns? I have a bunch of interviews coming up, and my sister says I absolutely must wear solids. In fact, she says I have to wear a black skirt suit with a blue shirt underneath and a conservative necklace. I've argued with her about this, and she says: "What the hell, Claire? This is not the time for you to express your inner Pucci. Wear the black suit, get the job, and then go to work every day in a paisley jumpsuit, for all I care." Do you agree with her?

Just wondering,
Solid in St. Louis



Dear St. Louis:

You are staying at your sister's apartment, right? Sleeping on her sofa while you job hunt? Although we sympathize with your sister's frustration (stop drinking milk straight from the carton, put your drum kit in storage, and for godssake get control of your ferrets), you are correct, and she is dead wrong. If a little pattern on your blouse leads a prospective employer to suspect you of being an embezzler, you don't want to work there anyhow.

Do you watch Project Runway? When whatshername was eliminated in the ballgown competition, the episode where everyone made boring, shiny, solid dresses? Someone should have designed a cotton corduroy dress with a printed shirtwaist top! Or a pale peach denim gown with a vast, bell-shaped skirt and black embroidery! Or, a most elegant black satin dress in a 1940's Dior sillouette, covered in a smattering of pink and yellow rubber duckie print. Doo-dads and gewgaws, people! That's how you get ahead in this world. Auntie Mame meets geranimals.

Oh, by the way, what jobs are you applying for? Food co-op manager, double agent, or French professor? Not that it makes that much difference...

Wishing you good luck and the wisdom to realize that "freelancing" is the way to go (We are freelancers, and we wear mostly wifebeaters!),

Jeepers

Underwater

Merbaby in bangle bracelets. The look of the moment.