Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Too Sweet

Dear Jeepers:

I have a question. It's an urgent matter:

Somehow, over the past couple of years, I don't know how,
I apparently was seduced by the girly-feminine anthropologie-
type style. I opened my closet last night and was shocked
to realize how many floral prints were in there.
My wardrobe is so sweet, my teeth are melting. I wanted
to compost the lot of it.

Is there a way to nastify, or sophisticate (I mean as a verb),
or otherwise destabilize the femme around here without
throwing out all of my clothing, because I can't afford a
whole new wardrobe? Maybe there is a way to
take a porridge cotton sundress and make it not
so... you know? I do have a big, soft, dark leather bottega
tote bag, maybe that would offset the cuteness of these
things? How did this happen? Gack. Help.

Maybe I should chill out about the sundress. It's summer,
forgodsake. That's forgivable, right?

I could shave the ruffles off things, I suppose.

Repelled by myself,

Dear Sleeper,

Hmmm, we see what you mean. Well, here are a few ideas for getting
things under control:

1. Use shoes as antidote. Trashed, cheap black flats. Beat up
cowboy boots
on bare legs. Nasty-sexy platform heels.

2. RIT dye. Dye your worst offenders black or dark blue.
Will turn
out interesting. The patterns will show through slightly.

3. Swear like a Marine in those dresses. Say "goddamn" a lot.

4. Slowly begin to add more solids to your wardrobe. All it
takes is a few key pieces:
A good, skinny black skirt; a few nice
white blouses, a good jacket...

Good luck, darling!



Anonymous Sleeper said...

Jeepers, you are so good. I especially like the RIT dye idea. I had forgotten that my mother used to do this with clothes she was bored with.

If I smoked, a ciggie and nicotine-stained fingers would help, too, no? But that would wind up being more expensive than a Balenciaga jacket to throw over the dresses.

Thank you, thank you.

8:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could just pick your nose and spit alot, this would help dumb down your wardrobe as well...

3:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what you say about fat guys wearing big glasses not working? Well, girls who don't swear trying to swear (Madonna springs to mind as someone who, although cool, sounds affected when she swears (at least that time on Letterman)) can be a really bad idea. I would say simply, speak your mind and if that includes a lot of dirty words, then... awesome.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Gloria said...

lol, great advice!

11:37 AM  
Blogger Anne said...

I say keep it all and wear it with corduroy. Or denim.

10:32 PM  
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