Summer Mom

Wear this flowered swimsuit to Cayuga Lake, with rubber flip flops and a big straw hat.

Jeepers Here

Well, hello there. Where have we been? It's a complicated story involving an intergalactic flight (coach class!), foot creams, a tool that mashes up bananas, and a drawing up of wills, but here is Jeepers again, ready to discuss fashion.

The above illustration shows the same woman three ways: in 1745 England, in present day Ithaca, and in present day NYC.

Coming soon: how to spread love like the plague, the world's most amusing swimsuit, and the baby clothes you wish someone would make!

Ithaca!

Unless you've been in a coma for the past few years, you will have noticed those "Ithaca is GORGES" t-shirts and bumper stickers. Some clever twists have included "Ithaca is COLD" and, authored by our uncle-in-law Roger, "Ithaca is not GEORGE'S"

A few other ideas:

1. Ithaca is GORGEOUS
2. Ithaca: The Asheville of the North
3. Ithaca is WATERFALLS

Sunglasses

Hi there, Jeepers.

It’s Andy from England and I have do have a style question--it's regarding sunglasses: I'm looking for a pair for summer and want to buy online, but it's hard to choose when you can’t try ‘em on so I wondered if you had any ideas for a 42-year-old man trying to stay stylish but not wanting to look like I'm "trying" too hard. I normally have an “egg shaped” (my lovely wife’s words!) shaven head and dark eyes and eyebrows that need to be controlled!

Any suggestions for a good look?

Thanks,

Andy

Dear Andy,

We like smallish glasses on most men, but also giant glasses on super hot boys and sex-exuding men who are obviously wearing giant glasses on purpose. If by egg-shaped you mean a bit round, stay away from small glasses.The Style Guy spoke to this issue of humongous glasses two summers ago:

Keith Richards pulled them off. Ric Ocasek must have pulled them off, because Paulina Porizkova married him. Kurt Cobain could pull anything off, including those girls’ sweaters with the flowers on them. Big sunglasses are an affectation best affected by the affectless. In other words, you have to be brutally cool to not come off like a Beauty and the Geek contestant or a proto–drag queen. You also have to be thin and hirsute, otherwise unfortunate comparisons to Elton or Moby may ensue. (Don’t get me wrong: Looking like Moby is great if you’re Moby.) I guess the answer is, If you have to ask, forget it.

Anyhoo, this seems to me the wrong item to buy online. Go to the store, man! If you just can't drag yourself out of the house, we hope that the above illustration helps you make your Internet (the interweb) selection. xox

Yrs,

Jeepers

Too Sweet

Dear Jeepers:

I have a question. It's an urgent matter:

Somehow, over the past couple of years, I don't know how,
I apparently was seduced by the girly-feminine anthropologie-
type style. I opened my closet last night and was shocked
to realize how many floral prints were in there.
My wardrobe is so sweet, my teeth are melting. I wanted
to compost the lot of it.

Is there a way to nastify, or sophisticate (I mean as a verb),
or otherwise destabilize the femme around here without
throwing out all of my clothing, because I can't afford a
whole new wardrobe? Maybe there is a way to
take a porridge cotton sundress and make it not
so... you know? I do have a big, soft, dark leather bottega
tote bag, maybe that would offset the cuteness of these
things? How did this happen? Gack. Help.

Maybe I should chill out about the sundress. It's summer,
forgodsake. That's forgivable, right?

I could shave the ruffles off things, I suppose.

Repelled by myself,
Sleeper


Dear Sleeper,

Hmmm, we see what you mean. Well, here are a few ideas for getting
things under control:

1. Use shoes as antidote. Trashed, cheap black flats. Beat up
cowboy boots on bare legs. Nasty-sexy platform heels.

2. RIT dye. Dye your worst offenders black or dark blue.
Will turn out interesting. The patterns will show through slightly.

3. Swear like a Marine in those dresses. Say "goddamn" a lot.

4. Slowly begin to add more solids to your wardrobe. All it
takes is a few key pieces: A good, skinny black skirt; a few nice
white blouses, a good jacket...

Good luck, darling!

Jeepers

Toe Advice

Dear Jeepers,

What is the most fashionable nailpolish colour to wear on my toenails this summer?

Susan L.

P.S. You are right about grey shoes.


Dear Susan,

We think dark cranberry, maybe veering towards purple. Other options: black, pearly white, greens, tropical orange. Bright shiny red will never be wrong. And if you're tan and fit and have nice feet, no polish at all is sweet.

Yours,
Jeepers

Update: Try these colors. Foot loose, Jewel, Life Saver, Orchid Oasis, the incorrectly named Peach Daquiri, Plumberry, and Newyorkette's favorite, Fondola Gondola.

Your Shopping List

If you only buy seven items of clothing today, make it these seven. We especially love shiny fabrics, driving gloves, a snarl of necklaces, and motorcycle chic.

If You Can Find It

Introducing the World's Most Complicated Top. If you can't find this blouse exactly, pick up any other equally complicated, strange, well-made tops you can get your hands on. The photos of you in such a top will be solid gold thirty years from now.

Now, on to politics. Yesterday Marshall and I read John Edwards's 2003 book Four Trials cover to cover. A great read.

Explaining the germ of his interest in the law (he's a lawyer), Edwards writes:

There were no lawyers in my extended family. There were millworkers, grocery clerks, ministers, Marines, boxers--but not lawyers. And though I barely knew Doc Smith, who was the only attorney in town, television brought all kinds of dramatic justice, and injustice too, into my small world.

As a boy I was moved, and I was shaken, by The Fugitive, that series where the wrongfully accused Dr. Richard Kimble escapes prison and roams the land in search of his wife's true killer. The show's depiction of "an immocent victim of blind justice" made a powerful impression on me, as it did on my whole family, and I remember my building fury when--week after week--no one ever bothered to take Dr. Kimble's side and make things right for him, or even try. Instead there was that constant grim detective whose only job, bakrolled by some remarkably lush federal budget, I later realized, was to find this one, single man.

Maybe we need a lawyer as our next president. One who has spent at least twenty years getting pissed off on behalf of downtrodden and abused individuals and families.

When we asked some of our friends to donate to the Edwards campaign, one friend replied, via email:

Why don't I just give my money to a chimp or a
rattlesnake?  They're about the equal of a Southern
Politician.  Oh, wait... he's a lawyer too.  Here's
your money, Spanish Wrestler, El Tigre.

So wrong! (Damn Yankees.)

In the New York Times Magazine today, Deborah Solomon interviews "hip-hop guru Russell Simmons."

Q. Are there any presidential candidates who inspire you?
I talk to John Edwards more than I talk to anyone. He has said more things about the conditions we need to think about. He went to yoga with me. He did the whole class, an hour and a half. He sweated like crazy. He's in good shape, but it was hard on him.

Roundup

What's going on at some of our favorite sites this very second?

At Electric Warrior, Raquel Laneri struggles with the frivolity of fashion: is it wrong to write about beautiful clothes, let alone buy them? "But 400 dollars for something you could wear probably every day if you wanted? That would probably last you several years? …I think it might be worth it…"

Evan Thomas announces a charity auction on eBay in support of her friend Megan, who has big medical bills from her cancer treatment. Available items include everything from a Toyota muffler to a denim purse to size-nine pink wedge heels a doll, clothes, and lots and lots of other car parts.

The Old Hag advertises a fun lit event happening tonight at the New School's Tishman Auditorium in NYC.

Garrison Keilor tells a visitor what to do while in Saint Paul.

Daniel Radosh touts The Week, which has its current issue free online.

McSweeney's has begun posting delightful entries from runners-up in its Fitzgerald writing prompt contest.

We like the voice/brain behind Sleeper, who this week sleeps outside and lives to tell all about it.

What are you cooking tonight? For inspiration, visit the Tiny Banquet Committee.

The brilliant ZP over at I Hate The New Yorker cracks up over cartoon descriptions.

The Satorialist, who photographs stylish passersby on city streets, is in Milan this week, where nobody wears jeans.

Carolita Johnson, cartoonist extraordinaire, on her latest cartoon in The New Yorker.

Bun in Oven

Today, wear a marigold yellow dress with fluttery sleeves. Pair with flats or wedges and a new necklace. As our sister reminded us today (via one of those jokey emails of Dave Barry sayings), don't say anything to indicate you think a woman is pregnant unless you actually see the baby coming out of her at that moment. Gentle readers, we know this is not groundbreaking material here. We're warming up.

Coming soon...How to beat the heat, the new "haircut," shopping smart and camping gorgeous

A Few Fashion Predictions

Dear Readers, we have not glanced at a fashion magazine in nearly two months. (We've been busy getting married.) So the following predictions are entirely the product of street observation and a tingly feeling in the back of the neck. If you trust Jeepers's hunches, you should consider doing the following soon:

1. Dye your hair an obviously fake color, like platinum or deep red or blue-black.

2. Start wearing a lot of black. Black-black. Pair with black accessories.

3. Stop spell-checking altogether.

4. Stock up on fun, chunky heels.

5. Start looking messier. (Layered, torn t-shirts, frayed hems, messy hair)

6. Wear black eyeliner, top and bottom.

7. Make a campaign contribution to John Edwards.

8. Replace your purse with a tidy, leather document bag (like an architect's bag).

Well hello there!

Jeepers's mama recently reminisced about how we used to draw rows and rows of women in big necklaces when we were little. So for old times sake...and to get the ball rolling again on this website after our long absence, voila. And how are you?

How to Work from Bed

A reader writes:

Dear jeepers,

I'm a writer, and I spend a lot of time at my desk.
I have this thing going on where
sometimes I wear pajamas half the day, which
is dandy and all, I have excellent
pajamas, but I just don't know if one ought to
lead one's life this way. I mean,
does my husband, who never says he doesn't, enjoy
seeing me in my zebra sateen at
night, then in the morning and still at 2 p.m.?
sometimes I end up showering at 6
or 7 to go to out for the evening, then putting
the sleepwear back on at, say, 2 a.m.
when I get home, then there I am again for twelve hours.
the nightwear is clean, but...
as I said, something feels wrong about this arrangement.

I wonder if you have dressing strategies
for the freelance life, when your
clothes tend to blur into parts of the day
they were never meant to see.

cheers,
Sleeper

Jeepers responds:

Dear Sleeper,

Your nagging suspicion that you are being very, very bad is correct. Just as one does not wear clean underwear merely on the off chance that one might be hit by a bus, rushed to the hospital, and stripped of one's outer garments for an emergency medical procedure, one also does not wear real clothes merely to look respectable on the off chance one's in-laws drop by at three. You must wear clean underwear and real clothes regardless of others. It's part of loving yourself, taking yourself seriously. We doubt that William Shakespeare, also a freelance writer, stayed in his nightshirt all day long. Not even F. Scott Fitzgerald, we would wager, wore a robe in the afternoon.

We even suggest that you begin dressing for dinner. Wear real clothes all day, dress up a bit for dinner, put pajamas back on only right before getting into bed, and see how your life changes. And stop going to bed at 2 a.m. We thought you cared deeply about good sleep? (Btw, you have a sweet blog, darling.)

Yrs,
Jeepers

Dress for the Cold (if it's cold)

A reader writes:
Dear Gurus-of-fashion

I'm in need of your help. I'm from London and I have an impending trip to NYC in January that I'm desperately trying to buy clothes for. It's not too cold here (at the moment anyway) so I don't really have to concern myself with keeping warm. I'm afraid I'm going to be wearing sweater jumpers with belt and jeans tucked into books because I can't see beyond the fact that its going to be so cold. I need to understand how those damned NY ladies manage to look gorgeous and stay warm. My main concerns (and there are a few of them) are:

1.I'm financially challenged, the trip is costing quite a bit and I'm also a student, so I can't afford to spend lots of money.
2. Its bloody cold in NYC in January I don't want to die of pneumonia, but I don't want my sense of style to suffer to keep warm.
3. Similar to #2, how do you do sexy evening wear when its freezing? I don't want to look like I'm attempting to look sexy by not wearing anything, but I do want to look like I'm making an effort.

Looking forward to receiving your much needed advice.

Confused-Londoner

Jeepers replies:
Our Dear Londoner,

New Yorkers dress for the cold--you know, coats and scarves and boots. It's really that simple. Tourists, on the other hand, often walk around (slowly) in the cold with bare legs, no scarves, short puffy coats that only protect half the body, and flimsy shoes unsuitable for slushy snow and puddles at the crosswalks.

1) Don't spend ANY money in London. Wait until you're here in New York, after you've had a chance to walk around for a day and people watch and window shop. The dollar is very weak--you'll be rich here!

2) It is considered stylish to be dressed for the actual weather, not for what the weather should or could be. So, if it happens to be balmy in January, many New York women will dress skimpily, even though it's "January."

If you don't own a long, warm coat, borrow one for the trip. You should also pack a pair of waterproof-ish boots, at least one voluminous wool scarf, a long coat, a hat or woolen head band to cover your ears, and some bright or patterned tights to wear with skirts. This is truly the New York way.

3) To look sexy and stylish, wear a beautiful dress or dressy wool pants or nice trouser-cut jeans with a sweater, but when outdoors, cover yourself with proper outer wear. Puffy vests are gorgeous this year.

To see for yourself what New Yorkers look like in the cold, check the Satorialist photographs from last January. This one's good, for instance.

Bon voyage!
Jeepers

Choosing Gifts

"Now why would a child want 420 squirrels?"

We strongly advocate a presents-free Christmas celebration. It must be announced early, so nobody expects gifts, but once the plan is in place, watch your joy and anticipation grow! Instead of the usual pajama'd sloth around a pile of papered boxes and nervous expectation, plan an outing. Skiing, for instance, or winter bird watching. Sing carols and gather around a steaming caldron of hot, spiced wine. Make prank calls to relatives: "Hello, Aunt Ann? This is Oprah Winfrey."

If you must give gifts, consider these suggestions:

1. A fabric-covered journal that you have partially filled in with writing prompts like "Today might have been the most glorious day of my life," and "If I were the mayor of New York City..."

2. A pint of heavy cream, a ball of wool yarn, and an orange kitten together in a box

3. A first aid kit packed with cherry Halls coughdrops, cloth handkerchiefs, foot cream, the complete first season of All Creatures Great and Small, seran wrap for sucking chest wounds, and neosporin

4. A subscription to a very obscure magazine.

5. Invisible ink

6. A beautiful belt (people rarely get belts as gifts)

7. A good guide to how to quit smoking and a box of fancy black licorice

8. A giant loaf of gingerbread

9. Doctored photographs

10. Loose diamonds

Happy holidays!
J

Shopping List Suggestions

If you only acquire six new items of clothing tomorrow, make it these six:
Strange ankle boot-shoes wide at the ankles, sailor pants, this exact scarf, a double breasted jacket, blast-from-the-fifties big dot earrings, and most importantly, something in dark emerald green. Readers, if you catch sight of a one-shoulder green dress, get it.

To Meet Your Boyfriend at The Airport

A reader writes:
Dear Jeepers,

The question of what to wear to meet my boyfriend from the airport in
two weeks time is keeping me up at night. I want to blow his mind in a
subtle & elegant way. I have a pretty extensive wardrobe so there are
lots of options but I just can't decide - miniskirt? Wrap dress?
Skinny jeans? Boots? Ballet shoes? Argh! Give me your wisdom.

Love Anna

P.S. I'm 23, tall-ish & slender-ish, & he won't have seen me for 8
weeks.

Jeepers responds:
Dear Anna,

It depends on where he's been for the last eight weeks. Borneo? Philadelphia? Paris Island? In other words, has he been surrounded by mute and adoring South American women who perform slow, undulating dances around him while he eats figs, or has he been learning how to clean an M16 in under two minutes?

In general, your goals should be to look like your normal self, only a bit cleaner and softer and healthier. You will never find an outfit that will make him think: "She is the single hottest woman on the face of the earth." But you can find an outfit that makes him think: "Ah, my Anna!"

Also, you don't want to look ridiculous. We would suggest a longish skirt. The wrap dress also sounds promising. For some reason, we're picturing a sort of muted color and maybe a thin, cashmere shawl wrapped casually around your shoulders. Don't wear heels. Almost no one wears heels in an airport (except flight attendants). Make sure your hair looks its best and that you are wearing some color on your lips and cheeks, but no goopy lip gloss.

Also, have fresh breath and maybe a little snack for him to munch on after his long plane ride. Show him how happy you are to see him by smiling and kissing him, etc. In short: do not be sloppy, trying-too-hard sexy, or too different from your usual self.

Wishing you a very happy reunion,
J

UPDATE:
Another reader (a man) begs to differ:
"I actually don't agree with your travel pickup advice at all. Given the right incentive, it's easy to make men think that you are the hottest girl in the whole
world. You hope for, "hey, great, it's Emily!" "Good, old Emily. She's so dependable! And sensible!" Two things that never fail, even for the slightly built woman? Patterned stockings and breast topswell, not too trampy, but saucy."

How To Dress Your Age

A reader writes:
Hi Ms Jeepers

I have an emergency question. I am 43 and I have spiraled into
fashioned uncertainty. Can I still wear lace blouses and skinny
jeans? Platforms? I think I look good in them but maybe I don't. I
have a good body (I have been told) and I am holding up well. Its not
like a want to go raving but I hate the corporate suit look with a
neat haircut. Ditto beige.
Please help me! I would quite happily follow your advice to the 22
year old woman.

Signed,
[name withheld]

Jeepers replies:
Dear one,

What is this "raving" you speak of? To answer the question implied in your letter--"Do I have to dress my age?"--the answer is no. Don't dress your age, dress your dreams, aspirations, humor, and rank.

Most complaints against people "not dressing their age" are really about rank. Psychologically, people don't want to be confused. It's confusing to see a woman who looks like she could have a teenage daughter dress as if she were a teenager herself. Or, to look at it another way, people object to both underachievers and upstarts.

A twelve-year-old dressed in an army sergeant's uniform is disturbing; a 19-year-old wearing sergeant insignia is impressive; a 40-year-old with the same rank is suspicious, because you would expect someone his age be a sergeant major already. (No matter that the 40-year-old sergeant is in even better physical shape, and more handsome, than his younger brother-in-arms!)

So, when considering whether you'd look good in a particular piece, use the following checklist:

1. Do I look good?
2. Do I feel good?
3. Does it say something positive (and perhaps truthful) about my rank in life?
4. Can I picture Sophia Loren wearing it?

We would also would make these additional suggestions:


1. No showing more than fiver percent of one's bra at any age.
2. No pinstripe pantsuits under 23.
3. No suspenders hanging down to form loops at the wearer's side after 22.

The Nobel Prize-winning physicist Richard Feynman's father once pointed to a photograph of people bowing to the pope, and said, "What's going on here? We have one group of humans bowing to another human. The only difference between the bowing humans and the pope, son? Epaulettes."

Yrs with good wishes,
Jeepers