How It Works

So you don't understand this website? It's really quite simple.

1. You can't decide what to wear.

2. You visit this website (What To Wear This Very Second)

3. You use the search at the top of the page to search for past advice related to your present conundrum. For instance, type in "second date with minister," or "green eyeshadow," or "to a party tonight."

4. Or, if you don't want to search, you write an email to Jeepers at dearjeepers@yahoo.com.

5. In the email, you describe your fashion problem/question/worry.

6. You check back to the website in a few hours (or a few days, or years) to see Jeepers' illustrated answer to your question.

7. You follow the advice to the letter.

"This one's for not really torturing anyone."

Rejected cartoon, in honor of the U.S. Senate.

Should we civilians institute a system of medals to indicate achievement? We would be wearing the Not More Than Twenty Pounds Over Ideal Weight Commendation ribbon, the Gives Directions to Tourists medal, and the Thinks Often of Recycling Recognition Badge.

Please share your ideas for civilian recognition awards.

Toothpaste Dress

We thought of this Crest-colored, faux-tattered dress as we drifted off to sleep recently. If only we could sew! And draw, and think...

But, one good idea: ugly color combinations are hot. (Like aqua with jaundice-brown, as shown here.) For your next important occasion, pair navy with pale/watery orange. Or hunter green, kelly green, and black.

Fashion Week Feedback

Although Jeepers attended only one Olympus Fashion Week runway show, it was a doozy--ThreeAsFour's extravaganza of sneaky-gorgeous reinvention. More on that later.

Also coming soon: the most beautiful bathingsuit ever made, socks rexamined, sleep deprivation, and a lipstick Q&A.

"At least he died putting away what he loved."

Rejected cartoon, in honor of end of summer.

To Hail a Cab

Wear these long, slim pants with a tidy black leather belt and mess of cape and scarves to hail your next cab.

The Pajama Fitting

Dear Jeepers,

I know pajamas don't really matter in the world of high fashion, but they matter to me. I have several savings accounts devoted to different purposes--one for travel, one for medical emergencies, one for a house fund. And I have an account just for pajamas. The balance is up to $430, and I'm ready to make a purchase. Any advice?

Thanks!
Renee

Dear Renee,

You say pajams, we say crazy. You are insane to have waited this long. You could have got a perfect pair $300 ago. But....since you do have such a nice nest egg and don't sound like the kind of woman to go donating flannel pj's to orphans, here's what you should do:

Purchase six yards of the most delicate cotton sateen known to man. We suggest deepest indigo, or a crazy pattern like the one pictured above, which reminds us of great-aunts who smoked cigarettes and had "divans" and played bridge and kept extra Andy Warhol paintings they didn't much care for anymore under one of the twin beds in the guest room.)

Next, contact a tailor. Go to your fitting armed with an issue of Vogue from 1957. Point to the cigarette ad on page 72. "I want a pair of pajamas like that, only perfectly tailored to my body, with lots of room to swim in."

Have the completed pajamas delivered to you by post, wrapped in many layers of faintly perfumed tissue paper. Deposit the $200 you'll have left over into your emergency cottage cheese fund!

Yrs,
Jeepers

Public Speaking Tip #8

Imagine the audience in ponchos.

Coming soon: skinny pants for chubby women, animal prints, the darlingest blouse in the world, and what to wear to church.

Newyorkette

What are New Yorker cartoonists wearing? Well, this morning, we are wearing pajama bottoms and a hoodie, because we are under the weather. But other cartoonist are better put together. Check it out on the always thoughtful Newyorkette, by fellow cartoonist Carolita Johnson.

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

Dear Jeepers,

What should I wear tonight to an outdoor cocktail party among a sort of casual crowd? I want to look perfect, but I don't really want to go shopping, so please suggest something I might already own.

Thanks!


Christina T.

Dear Christina,

Wear a tight, thin cashmere sweater over pencil trousers with barely-there shoes and a shimmery blush.

When we asked our Granddaddy what he remembers about the very first time he saw Grandmama (back in 1947), he answered immediately: "She was wearing a sweater!"

Yrs,
J

Up in the Air

To see over 400 flight attendant uniforms spanning the century, check out this labor of love from collector Cliff Muskiet. Compare United to Air France, KLM to Lot! (Note the sweet ribbon tie on the Song uniforms.)

Were we to design uniforms for flight attendants, we would veer back toward the elegant and dressy looks of the '50s. Just because you might be called upon to wrestle terrorists and pour 7-Up is no reason to dress like a counselor at a recreation camp for special kids. We might have the men in three-piece suits with long shorts (!) and the women in double-breasted suits with one-of-a-kind print scarves. Footwear, though, should stay comfortable.

Predictions for Autumn

We don't mean to get ahead of ourselves--it is still summer, after all--but we suspect that you might be as thrilled as we are with the nearness of autumn and all that it signifies. Hats, scarves, new crushes, noisy leaves, blown-out skies above the dying trees, a crackling of electricity and expectations of a new year--the rushing in of evening as you lean against the wall outside the library waiting for Mama to pick you up in the Volvo stationwagon.

Or, less suburban, as in a poem by Douglas Livingstone called "Lake Morning in Autumn:"

Before sunrise the stork was there
resting the pillow of his body
on stick legs growing from the water.

A flickering gust of pencil-slanted rain
swept over the chill autumn morning;
and he, too tired tired to arrange

his wind-buffeted plumage,
perches swaying a little,
neck flattened, ruminative,

beak on chest, contemplative eye
filmy with star vistas and hollow
black migratory leagues, strangely,

ponderously alone and some weeks
early. The dawn struck and everything,
sky, water, bird, reeds

was blood and gold. He sighed.
Stretching his wings he clubbed
the air; slowly, regally, so very tired,

aiming his beak he carefully climbed
inclining to his invisible tunnel of sky,
his feet trailing a long, long time.

As Oprah is fond of saying, these things I know for sure: straight eyebrows (as opposed to arched ones) and hats are coming back strong, ready to be loved again.

Bacteria-Inspired Prints

Flowers are pretty, and so are tropical birds, candy canes, and dots. But what about the other print possibilities? Clouds, trains, insects, pebbles, programming code, the surface of the moon? Well, there's nothing we can do about this, since we aren't all textile designers...

What we can do: start thinking about very long dresses for daytime, short kid-leather gloves, and false eyelashes with zero make-up.