A Crying Shame

Dear Jeepers:

I recently got a lot of plastic surgery: cheekbone implants, breast reduction, eye lift, fishtail-to-leg reconstruction, plus a curly perm and dermabrasion. But now I'm regretting my choices! I want my old tail back! Before the surgery, I could cover vast distances in a few short hours, plunge to the ocean floor, leap from the water to the sky like a dolphin, coax men to their watery graves, etc. Now I'm stuck on this rock and the sailors don't give me the time of day. What can I do?

Neither Fish nor Fowl near Fiji


My poor dear erstwhile mermaid,

Presumably the lack of underwater television kept you ignorant of the Jennifer Grey plastic surgery fiasco. Had you seen what her nose job did to her career, you might have thought better of plastic surgery in the first place. At least your hair looks cute. (We really support the resurrection of curly perms.)

Here's what you should do, sweetheart: Get some high-quality foot fins and ditch the jeans. Get off your rock and get back into the water.

Yrs,
Jeepers