Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Black Pants at Weddings?

Dear Jeepers:
If one had a nice pair of tropical-weight tailored wool trousers, how could one "soften" or feminize them, while at the same time dress them up for a special occasion?

I hope you answer very soon, as the special occasion is fast approaching.

"Needing Black Pants Solution"

Dear Black Pants:

We recoil involuntarily from the idea of black pants at a wedding. Maybe because of recent overuse (remember when everyone and her mother thought that black pants with a sexy top and heels equaled Appropriate for Absolutely Any Occasion?), we can't help but see black pants, and especially full-length black pants, as a cop out. And we can't think of anything worse than being underdressed at a wedding. (Well, okay, a few things.) As our mother has always said, "I'd rather be overdressed than underdressed, any day."

But if these are truly flattering and beautiful black pants, here are some ideas:

1) Mannish, all the way. The Victor/Victoria, Marlene Dietrich Solution. Pair the trousers with a severe and expensive, sharp-edged blouse and/or jacket. Carry a mother-of-pearl cigarette holder. You will appear more as a sort of supervisor of the wedding proceedings, rather than a full participant.

2) Supersexy, strange. Remember, it's a spring wedding. Pair the trousers with a fluttery, printed silk blouse and strappy sandals.

3) Understated elegance. Pair the trousers with a grey or otherwise muted, silk, puffy sleeved blouse.

4) Minor Royal. Pair with a First Lady jacket in cream, grey, or pale peach or blue. Wear a hat.

Otherwise, go buy a pretty dress.

(Anyhow, it doesn't really matter what you wear, as long as you are comfortable and not wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with obscenities. We can't wait to see you, and, along with the rest of the family, are thrilled you are traveling all this way to help celebrate the wedding of the century!)

Yrs with love,


Anonymous Wounded Black Pants said...

Dear Jeepers,

How did you know "Blank Pants" was me???? Was it THAT obvious?!?!?! Your response has shredded what infinitesimal fashion confidence (or any other kind of confidence) that I had. Believe me, I looked HARD for a dress! No dress screamed from its rack, "I'm the one!" I'm just not the flowy, frilly, waif type. Nor am I the sexy type. The Victor/Victoria probably IS more my style. But I'd feel damned silly carrying a long, mother-of-pear cigarette holder at the wedding (unless it was loaded with ganja). I went to one VERY fashionable little boutique, choc-a-block full of dresses. However, to look good in any of them, I'd have to be 22 years old; have long, fine hair; and weigh 98 pounds (at 5' 9 1/2"). So, I guess you're right--black pants were a cop-out. Guilty as charged. far as fashion is concerned, I always think back to an old New Yorker cartoon. The drawing was of a plump, shapeless, balding little business man who was dressed in a dark, conservative suit and tie. He was in the men's clothing department, standing before a three-way mirror, with the tailor at his side. Under this image were the words: "Id like something like this, but in a swimsuit." Perhaps many people won't "get" this cartoon, but when one is middle-aged......waaaaaay past wearing-swimsuit years....this little bald man's wish is very comprehensible indeed.

Oh, well.....Your mom might commandeer me into a dress shop, once I'm back there.

Wounded "Black Pants"

2:32 PM  
Blogger zp said...

Oh please, black pants ARE for romance.

The brides all love black pants. For pete's sake, look at the groom.

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Wounded Black Pants said...

Dear Jeepers,

That's "mother-of-pearl," not "mother-of-pear." (Yet another low jab at my wounded ego...and self-inflicted, at that!).

Wounded Black Pants

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Not Quite as Wounded Black Pants said...

Thanks, ZP, whoever you are. You're right...I hadn't considered the groom.

Not Quite as Wounded Black Pants

2:44 PM  
Anonymous Wounded Black Pants with Bad Hair and Empty Pockets said...

Dear Jeepers,

I just returned from visiting your "dress" link that was embedded in your fashion response to me. I did indeed see a few dresses to drool over. However, two probs: 1) my current haircut is more appropriate for a construction site than for a wedding, and 2) I don't have several thousand $$$ lying around. Perhaps I should visit and not (I DO agree with you about their being a few things worse than being underdressed at a wedding, although it is obvious that your mother is very wise indeed!)

Wounded Black Pants with Bad Hair and Empty Pockets

3:01 PM  
Blogger Jeepers said...

Wounded Black Pants,
We're sure you'll look marvelous and elegant in your black pants--we didn't mean to suggest otherwise. But we can't help but notice some problems with your search for a dress. First, you say that "no dress screamed from its rack, 'I'm the one!'" But many beautiful dresses don't scream from the hanger, ever. You have to try them on.
Second, you mention that you went to "one VERY fashionable little boutique," [emphasis mine]. To our ears, "fashionable little boutique," spells unairconditioned, expensive, small inventory, and no selection. Maybe you'd have happier luck at a larger store?
Hey, why not go shopping with Mother of the Bride, when you arrive back east? That would be fun. Plus, maybe you are like me. (Marshall has banned us from solo shopping forever more, he says.) Sometimes it helps to have a sister there to tell you, "You look like a tall glass of water in the desert, toots."

6:12 PM  
Anonymous Black Pants said...

Dear Jeepers,

Love the line about the glass in the desert! Is that original with you or is it something Bogie said to Bacall?

Actually, I once WAS called my first waitress job, where I even wore one of those little white uniforms. The career veteran waitresses didn't like "Toddy." They called me "Toots."

Black Pants

10:19 PM  
Anonymous mother of the bride said...

I asked for an undergarment today, which sounds like Spam but it's something else. Holds it all in for you. I have that to keep the tummy tight and the butt under control as I wear this fitted gold metalic silk dress

9:54 PM  
Anonymous Homage to Spam said...

Dear Jeepers,

I can see the headlines in the society pages now: "Mother-of-Bride flattens tummy and controls butt by wearing Spam!" Once this hits the news, Spam will go flying off grocery shelves once again!

Homage to Spam

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Glenda said...

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5:41 AM  
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11:32 AM  
Anonymous Black Dress Pants said...

If one had a nice pair of tropical-weight tailored wool trousers, how could one "soften" or feminize them, while at the same time dress them up ...

11:01 AM  

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