What Your Skirt Says

Dear Jeepers:
What kind of skirts are in this spring?

-Mira Grossman

Dear Ms. Grossman:

All skirts! We can't think of a shape or length that would get you arrested, shunned, or beat up this year.

We like to think of the skirt as functioning much as frames do around a painting. Instead of framing art, the skirt defines the general booty area. Thinking about it this way, you see that a miniskirt is saying "See? See? It's right here!" while the giant hoop skirt is saying "With proper fortitude and luck, sir, you may be fortunate enough to find my lower body beneath this copious, yet coy, diversion. Dive in, adventurers and navigators. All others, keep your respectful distance. Also, if there's, like, a fire or a flood, I will come in handy somehow."*

The very long, narrow skirt: "I have interesting hobbies."

The A-line: "This is my day off. I'm a women's restroom."

The pencil: "Hey, Bucko, is that your bicycle?"

The miniskirt: "Huh? Oh, yeah." (Our favorite miniskirt this very second, here.)

The Bubble skirt: "Who cares? Now let's go!"