Sunday, October 23, 2005

The Nation of NBA

Dear Jeepers,
I am a point guard in the NBA, and as such, I am prone to wearing throwback jerseys and gold chains. I am particularly fond of my 1975 orange-striped Astros uniform, and my diamond-studded monograms. But now, the Man (NBA commissioner David Stern, actually) is curbing my self-expression. He's enforcing a new dress code for all team business (and when am I not on team business!?).

No more jerseys or chains or "headgear" (whatever that means). The rule is now "business casual" (your favorite!): We must wear dress shirts and slacks and no sneakers or sandals or "work boots." We can't wear sunglasses indoors, and we must have sleeves.

Men's fashion may not be your forte, but please help. What's a man to do in these repressive times? And remember, I am very long.


Dearest Rejected,

Here are a few simple ways you can frustrate the commissioner without paying any fines:

1)The Catholic Schoolgirl Strategy: As any teenager in a school uniform could tell you, there are a billion sly ways to get around the rules. Commissioner Stern said "khakis or dress jeans," but who in the hell knows what dress jeans really are? For your next NBA business meeting, arrive in acid washed jeans covered in hundreds of tiny pockets.

2)The Beyond The Call of Duty Strategy: So, Commissioner Stern wants you to look like prep school athletic scholarship students or deputy directors of planned giving with zero sense of current style? Arrive to your next NBA press conference in a slightly too-small JC Penney's grey suit, a John O'Hara novel under your arm, chemically straightened hair, and Rockports. (Start smoking Capri cigarettes.)

3) The Black Power Strategy: Enlist every single other member of the NBA to join you in wearing black suits and bowties to all public appearances. Swear off women, booze, rowdiness, and every shot except the lay up. When asked to comment, raise left eyebrow slowly and say nothing.

Or, you could follow the example of the National Hockey League. When told that they must wear diamond pinky rings, do-rags, and $10,000 Italian suits, they gave up sports altogether.



Blogger TP said...

I hope you choose the The Beyond The Call of Duty Strategy, and mix it up with the Catholic School Girl Strategy. All those pockets!

7:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Jeepers, or should I say Peepers, this has nothing to do with the NBA--I hate sports--but I also hate it when I am in a dressing room and someone is spying on me. I know you like to see what people are wearing, but why what they are not wearing? what do you look like when you are trying on dominatrix suits of plushy fetish items. Next time just ask, but stop stalking me!

10:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear jeepers: I have to go to a movie premiere and I don't know what to year. I don't want to be too extreme on either side--like who let that hobo in, or who is that jackass who thinks she's lady di...

p.s. it is for the seasons hottest movie, which I hope you'll see BEE SEASON.

1:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear anonymous #1,

Don't flatter yourself. Trust me when I say Jeepers is not stalking you. She has far too much taste to even consider you as a topic of her conversations, much less look to see what you are/are not wearing.

a loyal fan

7:43 AM  
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