Help from the Clothing Fairy

Dearest Jeepers,
I hate to shop. But I have NOTHING to wear. (Today I wore a muffin and a circular saw.) Any advice on how to build a wardrobe for this fall quickly and painlessly?

-Naked in Newport

Dear Naked,

If the Clothing Fairy won't visit you (place frayed or outmoded clothing beneath pillow before sleep), then you might have to go to stores. Here are some guidelines:

1) Haggle. Just because the tag reads "$149" doesn't mean the price is firm.
2) Identify a well-dressed person in your workplace, study her for three weeks, then buy clothes identical to hers.
3) Or, just buy one pair of lightweight wide-legged black wool trousers, three lacy camisoles, three long-sleeved tees in dark colors, one black or midnight blue or grey long, bulky cardigan with belt, some boots and one pair of complicated looking round-toed heels, one pair of dark jeans, and a flimsy cocktail dress that you love so much you'd consider wearing it to your wedding.

Yrs,
J