Christmas Or Bust

Dear Jeepers:
I own a gift shop in Soho. Yesterday, a shopper had a breakdown in the scented candle aisle. She ripped the fur hat from her head, swept a whole row of $40 fig oil infused candles from the display table, and started hollering about world poverty. My sales clerk and I had to wrestle her to the floor. The worst part is, this isn't even the first time this sort of thing has happened this holiday shopping season. A man who was shopping for a gift for his wife broke into silent sobs last week and we had to guide him into the inventory closet until he got a hold of himself. He was really disturbing my other customers! What's going on? Also, what sounds like a better deal to you: "$43," or "%20 off $59"?

Thanks,
Ralph Bebeneck

Dear Mr. Bebeneck,

Surprisingly, the problem isn't too much gift giving, it is too little. Our current set-up has us ignoring generosity, surprise, and presents for loved ones eleven months out of the year, only to shift into gluttonous, panicked giving in December. Unused to asking ourselves, "What would she want? What would make another person happy?" the question rears up enormously, indicting our normal selfishness. Naturally, the rush of magnamity reminds us of the whole, wide world, and that there are billions of humans who live off less than $2 a day, millions of men and women who would have to do three months of dangerous coal mining to afford a single scented candle in your store.

Consider going out of business (for real, this time). Or, you could do something less drastic. Like provide health insurance to your employees. Bah dum dump.


Merry Christmas,
Jeepers