What To Wear This Very Second

Summer Mom

2008-06-21T00:23:00.003-04:00

Wear this flowered swimsuit to Cayuga Lake, with rubber flip flops and a big straw hat.

Jeepers Here

2008-05-26T23:04:00.005-04:00

Well, hello there. Where have we been? It's a complicated story involving an intergalactic flight (coach class!), foot creams, a tool that mashes up bananas, and a drawing up of wills, but here is Jeepers again, ready to discuss fashion.

The above illustration shows the same woman three ways: in 1745 England, in present day Ithaca, and in present day NYC.

Coming soon: how to spread love like the plague, the world's most amusing swimsuit, and the baby clothes you wish someone would make!

Ithaca!

2007-06-11T17:37:00.001-04:00

Unless you've been in a coma for the past few years, you will have noticed those "Ithaca is GORGES" t-shirts and bumper stickers. Some clever twists have included "Ithaca is COLD" and, authored by our uncle-in-law Roger, "Ithaca is not GEORGE'S"

A few other ideas:

1. Ithaca is GORGEOUS
2. Ithaca: The Asheville of the North
3. Ithaca is WATERFALLS

Sunglasses

2007-06-07T19:21:00.000-04:00

Hi there, Jeepers.

It’s Andy from England and I have do have a style question--it's regarding sunglasses: I'm looking for a pair for summer and want to buy online, but it's hard to choose when you can’t try ‘em on so I wondered if you had any ideas for a 42-year-old man trying to stay stylish but not wanting to look like I'm "trying" too hard. I normally have an “egg shaped” (my lovely wife’s words!) shaven head and dark eyes and eyebrows that need to be controlled!

Any suggestions for a good look?

Thanks,

Andy

Dear Andy,

We like smallish glasses on most men, but also giant glasses on super hot boys and sex-exuding men who are obviously wearing giant glasses on purpose. If by egg-shaped you mean a bit round, stay away from small glasses.The Style Guy spoke to this issue of humongous glasses two summers ago:

Keith Richards pulled them off. Ric Ocasek must have pulled them off, because Paulina Porizkova married him. Kurt Cobain could pull anything off, including those girls’ sweaters with the flowers on them. Big sunglasses are an affectation best affected by the affectless. In other words, you have to be brutally cool to not come off like a Beauty and the Geek contestant or a proto–drag queen. You also have to be thin and hirsute, otherwise unfortunate comparisons to Elton or Moby may ensue. (Don’t get me wrong: Looking like Moby is great if you’re Moby.) I guess the answer is, If you have to ask, forget it.

Anyhoo, this seems to me the wrong item to buy online. Go to the store, man! If you just can't drag yourself out of the house, we hope that the above illustration helps you make your Internet (the interweb) selection. xox

Yrs,

Jeepers

Too Sweet

2007-06-06T16:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers:

I have a question. It's an urgent matter:

Somehow, over the past couple of years, I don't know how,
I apparently was seduced by the girly-feminine anthropologie-
type style. I opened my closet last night and was shocked
to realize how many floral prints were in there.
My wardrobe is so sweet, my teeth are melting. I wanted
to compost the lot of it.

Is there a way to nastify, or sophisticate (I mean as a verb),
or otherwise destabilize the femme around here without
throwing out all of my clothing, because I can't afford a
whole new wardrobe? Maybe there is a way to
take a porridge cotton sundress and make it not
so... you know? I do have a big, soft, dark leather bottega
tote bag, maybe that would offset the cuteness of these
things? How did this happen? Gack. Help.

Maybe I should chill out about the sundress. It's summer,
forgodsake. That's forgivable, right?

I could shave the ruffles off things, I suppose.

Repelled by myself,
Sleeper


Dear Sleeper,

Hmmm, we see what you mean. Well, here are a few ideas for getting
things under control:

1. Use shoes as antidote. Trashed, cheap black flats. Beat up
cowboy boots on bare legs. Nasty-sexy platform heels.

2. RIT dye. Dye your worst offenders black or dark blue.
Will turn out interesting. The patterns will show through slightly.

3. Swear like a Marine in those dresses. Say "goddamn" a lot.

4. Slowly begin to add more solids to your wardrobe. All it
takes is a few key pieces: A good, skinny black skirt; a few nice
white blouses, a good jacket...

Good luck, darling!

Jeepers

Toe Advice

2007-05-10T21:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers,

What is the most fashionable nailpolish colour to wear on my toenails this summer?

Susan L.

P.S. You are right about grey shoes.

Dear Susan,

We think dark cranberry, maybe veering towards purple. Other options: black, pearly white, greens, tropical orange. Bright shiny red will never be wrong. And if you're tan and fit and have nice feet, no polish at all is sweet.

Yours,
Jeepers

Update: Try these colors. Foot loose, Jewel, Life Saver, Orchid Oasis, the incorrectly named Peach Daquiri, Plumberry, and Newyorkette's favorite, Fondola Gondola.

Your Shopping List

2007-05-01T10:18:00.000-04:00

If you only buy seven items of clothing today, make it these seven. We especially love shiny fabrics, driving gloves, a snarl of necklaces, and motorcycle chic.

If You Can Find It

2007-04-29T16:00:00.000-04:00

Introducing the World's Most Complicated Top. If you can't find this blouse exactly, pick up any other equally complicated, strange, well-made tops you can get your hands on. The photos of you in such a top will be solid gold thirty years from now.

Now, on to politics. Yesterday Marshall and I read John Edwards's 2003 book Four Trials cover to cover. A great read.

Explaining the germ of his interest in the law (he's a lawyer), Edwards writes:

There were no lawyers in my extended family. There were millworkers, grocery clerks, ministers, Marines, boxers--but not lawyers. And though I barely knew Doc Smith, who was the only attorney in town, television brought all kinds of dramatic justice, and injustice too, into my small world.

As a boy I was moved, and I was shaken, by The Fugitive, that series where the wrongfully accused Dr. Richard Kimble escapes prison and roams the land in search of his wife's true killer. The show's depiction of "an immocent victim of blind justice" made a powerful impression on me, as it did on my whole family, and I remember my building fury when--week after week--no one ever bothered to take Dr. Kimble's side and make things right for him, or even try. Instead there was that constant grim detective whose only job, bakrolled by some remarkably lush federal budget, I later realized, was to find this one, single man.

Maybe we need a lawyer as our next president. One who has spent at least twenty years getting pissed off on behalf of downtrodden and abused individuals and families.

When we asked some of our friends to donate to the Edwards campaign, one friend replied, via email:

Why don't I just give my money to a chimp or a
rattlesnake?  They're about the equal of a Southern
Politician.  Oh, wait... he's a lawyer too.  Here's
your money, Spanish Wrestler, El Tigre.

So wrong! (Damn Yankees.)

In the New York Times Magazine today, Deborah Solomon interviews "hip-hop guru Russell Simmons."

Q. Are there any presidential candidates who inspire you?
I talk to John Edwards more than I talk to anyone. He has said more things about the conditions we need to think about. He went to yoga with me. He did the whole class, an hour and a half. He sweated like crazy. He's in good shape, but it was hard on him.

Roundup

2007-04-24T20:13:00.000-04:00

What's going on at some of our favorite sites this very second?

At Electric Warrior, Raquel Laneri struggles with the frivolity of fashion: is it wrong to write about beautiful clothes, let alone buy them? "But 400 dollars for something you could wear probably every day if you wanted? That would probably last you several years? …I think it might be worth it…"

Evan Thomas announces a charity auction on eBay in support of her friend Megan, who has big medical bills from her cancer treatment. Available items include everything from a Toyota muffler to a denim purse to size-nine pink wedge heels a doll, clothes, and lots and lots of other car parts.

The Old Hag advertises a fun lit event happening tonight at the New School's Tishman Auditorium in NYC.

Garrison Keilor tells a visitor what to do while in Saint Paul.

Daniel Radosh touts The Week, which has its current issue free online.

McSweeney's has begun posting delightful entries from runners-up in its Fitzgerald writing prompt contest.

We like the voice/brain behind Sleeper, who this week sleeps outside and lives to tell all about it.

What are you cooking tonight? For inspiration, visit the Tiny Banquet Committee.

The brilliant ZP over at I Hate The New Yorker cracks up over cartoon descriptions.

The Satorialist, who photographs stylish passersby on city streets, is in Milan this week, where nobody wears jeans.

Carolita Johnson, cartoonist extraordinaire, on her latest cartoon in The New Yorker.

Bun in Oven

2007-04-24T16:43:00.000-04:00

Today, wear a marigold yellow dress with fluttery sleeves. Pair with flats or wedges and a new necklace. As our sister reminded us today (via one of those jokey emails of Dave Barry sayings), don't say anything to indicate you think a woman is pregnant unless you actually see the baby coming out of her at that moment. Gentle readers, we know this is not groundbreaking material here. We're warming up.

Coming soon...How to beat the heat, the new "haircut," shopping smart and camping gorgeous

A Few Fashion Predictions

2007-04-19T17:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers, we have not glanced at a fashion magazine in nearly two months. (We've been busy getting married.) So the following predictions are entirely the product of street observation and a tingly feeling in the back of the neck. If you trust Jeepers's hunches, you should consider doing the following soon:

1. Dye your hair an obviously fake color, like platinum or deep red or blue-black.

2. Start wearing a lot of black. Black-black. Pair with black accessories.

3. Stop spell-checking altogether.

4. Stock up on fun, chunky heels.

5. Start looking messier. (Layered, torn t-shirts, frayed hems, messy hair)

6. Wear black eyeliner, top and bottom.

7. Make a campaign contribution to John Edwards.

8. Replace your purse with a tidy, leather document bag (like an architect's bag).

Well hello there!

2007-04-17T15:55:00.000-04:00

Jeepers's mama recently reminisced about how we used to draw rows and rows of women in big necklaces when we were little. So for old times sake...and to get the ball rolling again on this website after our long absence, voila. And how are you?

How to Work from Bed

2007-02-12T14:46:00.000-05:00

A reader writes:


Dear jeepers,

I'm a writer, and I spend a lot of time at my desk.
I have this thing going on where
sometimes I wear pajamas half the day, which
is dandy and all, I have excellent
pajamas, but I just don't know if one ought to
lead one's life this way. I mean,
does my husband, who never says he doesn't, enjoy
seeing me in my zebra sateen at
night, then in the morning and still at 2 p.m.?
sometimes I end up showering at 6
or 7 to go to out for the evening, then putting
the sleepwear back on at, say, 2 a.m.
when I get home, then there I am again for twelve hours.
the nightwear is clean, but...
as I said, something feels wrong about this arrangement.

I wonder if you have dressing strategies
for the freelance life, when your
clothes tend to blur into parts of the day
they were never meant to see.

cheers,
Sleeper

Jeepers responds:

Dear Sleeper,

Your nagging suspicion that you are being very, very bad is correct. Just as one does not wear clean underwear merely on the off chance that one might be hit by a bus, rushed to the hospital, and stripped of one's outer garments for an emergency medical procedure, one also does not wear real clothes merely to look respectable on the off chance one's in-laws drop by at three. You must wear clean underwear and real clothes regardless of others. It's part of loving yourself, taking yourself seriously. We doubt that William Shakespeare, also a freelance writer, stayed in his nightshirt all day long. Not even F. Scott Fitzgerald, we would wager, wore a robe in the afternoon.

We even suggest that you begin dressing for dinner. Wear real clothes all day, dress up a bit for dinner, put pajamas back on only right before getting into bed, and see how your life changes. And stop going to bed at 2 a.m. We thought you cared deeply about good sleep? (Btw, you have a sweet blog, darling.)

Yrs,
Jeepers

Dress for the Cold (if it's cold)

2006-12-13T08:03:00.000-05:00

A reader writes:
Dear Gurus-of-fashion

I'm in need of your help. I'm from London and I have an impending trip to NYC in January that I'm desperately trying to buy clothes for. It's not too cold here (at the moment anyway) so I don't really have to concern myself with keeping warm. I'm afraid I'm going to be wearing sweater jumpers with belt and jeans tucked into books because I can't see beyond the fact that its going to be so cold. I need to understand how those damned NY ladies manage to look gorgeous and stay warm. My main concerns (and there are a few of them) are:

1.I'm financially challenged, the trip is costing quite a bit and I'm also a student, so I can't afford to spend lots of money.
2. Its bloody cold in NYC in January I don't want to die of pneumonia, but I don't want my sense of style to suffer to keep warm.
3. Similar to #2, how do you do sexy evening wear when its freezing? I don't want to look like I'm attempting to look sexy by not wearing anything, but I do want to look like I'm making an effort.

Looking forward to receiving your much needed advice.

Confused-Londoner

Jeepers replies:
Our Dear Londoner,

New Yorkers dress for the cold--you know, coats and scarves and boots. It's really that simple. Tourists, on the other hand, often walk around (slowly) in the cold with bare legs, no scarves, short puffy coats that only protect half the body, and flimsy shoes unsuitable for slushy snow and puddles at the crosswalks.

1) Don't spend ANY money in London. Wait until you're here in New York, after you've had a chance to walk around for a day and people watch and window shop. The dollar is very weak--you'll be rich here!

2) It is considered stylish to be dressed for the actual weather, not for what the weather should or could be. So, if it happens to be balmy in January, many New York women will dress skimpily, even though it's "January."

If you don't own a long, warm coat, borrow one for the trip. You should also pack a pair of waterproof-ish boots, at least one voluminous wool scarf, a long coat, a hat or woolen head band to cover your ears, and some bright or patterned tights to wear with skirts. This is truly the New York way.

3) To look sexy and stylish, wear a beautiful dress or dressy wool pants or nice trouser-cut jeans with a sweater, but when outdoors, cover yourself with proper outer wear. Puffy vests are gorgeous this year.

To see for yourself what New Yorkers look like in the cold, check the Satorialist photographs from last January. This one's good, for instance.

Bon voyage!
Jeepers

Choosing Gifts

2006-12-07T00:43:00.000-05:00

"Now why would a child want 420 squirrels?"

We strongly advocate a presents-free Christmas celebration. It must be announced early, so nobody expects gifts, but once the plan is in place, watch your joy and anticipation grow! Instead of the usual pajama'd sloth around a pile of papered boxes and nervous expectation, plan an outing. Skiing, for instance, or winter bird watching. Sing carols and gather around a steaming caldron of hot, spiced wine. Make prank calls to relatives: "Hello, Aunt Ann? This is Oprah Winfrey."

If you must give gifts, consider these suggestions:

1. A fabric-covered journal that you have partially filled in with writing prompts like "Today might have been the most glorious day of my life," and "If I were the mayor of New York City..."

2. A pint of heavy cream, a ball of wool yarn, and an orange kitten together in a box

3. A first aid kit packed with cherry Halls coughdrops, cloth handkerchiefs, foot cream, the complete first season of All Creatures Great and Small, seran wrap for sucking chest wounds, and neosporin

4. A subscription to a very obscure magazine.

5. Invisible ink

6. A beautiful belt (people rarely get belts as gifts)

7. A good guide to how to quit smoking and a box of fancy black licorice

8. A giant loaf of gingerbread

9. Doctored photographs

10. Loose diamonds

Happy holidays!
J

Shopping List Suggestions

2006-11-30T00:25:00.000-05:00

If you only acquire six new items of clothing tomorrow, make it these six:
Strange ankle boot-shoes wide at the ankles, sailor pants, this exact scarf, a double breasted jacket, blast-from-the-fifties big dot earrings, and most importantly, something in dark emerald green. Readers, if you catch sight of a one-shoulder green dress, get it.

To Meet Your Boyfriend at The Airport

2006-11-28T21:45:00.000-05:00

A reader writes:
Dear Jeepers,

The question of what to wear to meet my boyfriend from the airport in
two weeks time is keeping me up at night. I want to blow his mind in a
subtle & elegant way. I have a pretty extensive wardrobe so there are
lots of options but I just can't decide - miniskirt? Wrap dress?
Skinny jeans? Boots? Ballet shoes? Argh! Give me your wisdom.

Love Anna

P.S. I'm 23, tall-ish & slender-ish, & he won't have seen me for 8
weeks.

Jeepers responds:
Dear Anna,

It depends on where he's been for the last eight weeks. Borneo? Philadelphia? Paris Island? In other words, has he been surrounded by mute and adoring South American women who perform slow, undulating dances around him while he eats figs, or has he been learning how to clean an M16 in under two minutes?

In general, your goals should be to look like your normal self, only a bit cleaner and softer and healthier. You will never find an outfit that will make him think: "She is the single hottest woman on the face of the earth." But you can find an outfit that makes him think: "Ah, my Anna!"

Also, you don't want to look ridiculous. We would suggest a longish skirt. The wrap dress also sounds promising. For some reason, we're picturing a sort of muted color and maybe a thin, cashmere shawl wrapped casually around your shoulders. Don't wear heels. Almost no one wears heels in an airport (except flight attendants). Make sure your hair looks its best and that you are wearing some color on your lips and cheeks, but no goopy lip gloss.

Also, have fresh breath and maybe a little snack for him to munch on after his long plane ride. Show him how happy you are to see him by smiling and kissing him, etc. In short: do not be sloppy, trying-too-hard sexy, or too different from your usual self.

Wishing you a very happy reunion,
J

UPDATE:
Another reader (a man) begs to differ:
"I actually don't agree with your travel pickup advice at all. Given the right incentive, it's easy to make men think that you are the hottest girl in the whole
world. You hope for, "hey, great, it's Emily!" "Good, old Emily. She's so dependable! And sensible!" Two things that never fail, even for the slightly built woman? Patterned stockings and breast topswell, not too trampy, but saucy."

How To Dress Your Age

2006-11-18T15:24:00.000-05:00

A reader writes:
Hi Ms Jeepers

I have an emergency question. I am 43 and I have spiraled into
fashioned uncertainty. Can I still wear lace blouses and skinny
jeans? Platforms? I think I look good in them but maybe I don't. I
have a good body (I have been told) and I am holding up well. Its not
like a want to go raving but I hate the corporate suit look with a
neat haircut. Ditto beige.
Please help me! I would quite happily follow your advice to the 22
year old woman.

Signed,
[name withheld]

Jeepers replies:
Dear one,

What is this "raving" you speak of? To answer the question implied in your letter--"Do I have to dress my age?"--the answer is no. Don't dress your age, dress your dreams, aspirations, humor, and rank.

Most complaints against people "not dressing their age" are really about rank. Psychologically, people don't want to be confused. It's confusing to see a woman who looks like she could have a teenage daughter dress as if she were a teenager herself. Or, to look at it another way, people object to both underachievers and upstarts.

A twelve-year-old dressed in an army sergeant's uniform is disturbing; a 19-year-old wearing sergeant insignia is impressive; a 40-year-old with the same rank is suspicious, because you would expect someone his age be a sergeant major already. (No matter that the 40-year-old sergeant is in even better physical shape, and more handsome, than his younger brother-in-arms!)

So, when considering whether you'd look good in a particular piece, use the following checklist:

1. Do I look good?
2. Do I feel good?
3. Does it say something positive (and perhaps truthful) about my rank in life?
4. Can I picture Sophia Loren wearing it?

We would also would make these additional suggestions:

1. No showing more than fiver percent of one's bra at any age.
2. No pinstripe pantsuits under 23.
3. No suspenders hanging down to form loops at the wearer's side after 22.

The Nobel Prize-winning physicist Richard Feynman's father once pointed to a photograph of people bowing to the pope, and said, "What's going on here? We have one group of humans bowing to another human. The only difference between the bowing humans and the pope, son? Epaulettes."

Yrs with good wishes,
Jeepers

Choose Your Style

2006-11-12T18:52:00.000-05:00

A reader writes:
Dear Jeepers,

I am in total confusion - I am a 22 year old fashion failure... altho i try to look good i find myself constantly wearing the same clothes over and over again (usually my comfiest jeans and a big jumper). I have plenty of clothes altho i can never think of anything to wear. I often find myself thinking - oh i musn't wear that because tomorrow i may really need to wear it and it will be in the wash.

I would love to look good every day and to have a certain style to call my own. How do i go about achieving this? How should i decide what i need to buy to complete my wardrobe and make it more 'user friendly'.

Can you help?

Anna

Jeepers replies:
Dear Anna,

You're a 22-year-old fashion failure? You can't be a 22-year-old anything failure, except maybe gymnast or diaper model. And what bothers us more in your letter is the deep psychic block you seem to be struggling with. Carpe diem, darling. Do not put off until tomorrow what you can wear today. This is your life. This is really happening to you.

Take yourself more seriously, pronto. Do you think Bill Clinton slunk stoop-shouldered in the corners dreaming one day of becoming outgoing and personable? No, he practiced it right away, running for class office in kindergarten. He knew that one's performance as a seven-year-old does not sink into obscurity. And, like every president before and since, he was able to find later, for his campaign movie, many former classmates to say things like "I always knew he'd be president one day."

In general:

1) Identify your favorite parts of yourself. Your thick hair? Your sexy eyes? Your long legs? Your curves? Your sense of humor? Your daintiness? Whatever. Then identify clothes or looks that emphasize those things.

2) Make sure to wear at least one non-standard thing every day, whether it's an unusual color combination, fabulous boots, or a tiny vest.

3) If you find something that looks really good on you, buy more of that.

4) Throw away all of your so-so clothing, so you won't be tempted to ever wear them again.

5) Choose one item from Column A and one from Column B to add to your wardrobe this autumn. It doesn't take much to take a boring outfit and turn it wonderful.

Unfortunately, we cannot really give you a specific list of things to add to your closet, because we don't know you. But every 22-year-old should probably have a good pair of dark, skinny jeans, a riding jacket type of thing, a blouse made entirely of lace, blue shoes, a sleek black dress, boots, belts, something plaid, lipstick, a thin scarf to wind and wind around the throat, a pleated mini-skirt, a pencil skirt to just below the knees.

Someone sent in a question very similar to yours about a year ago. Our reply to her, titled "Help From the Clothing Fairy" might be of some interest to you as well.

Yrs with best wishes,
Jeepers

Ballroom Dances with Dogs

2006-10-30T09:06:00.000-05:00

A little sketch.

Coming soon: ThreeAsFour jeans, sonograms, and at-home manicures.

For Halloween

2006-10-25T08:06:00.000-04:00

A reader writes: The day of the dead is fast approaching and i have yet to come up with a decent/cute/fashionable/creative costume, so in lieu of hitting up the local wallmart, i've been racking my brain (and the internet) for some ideas. unfortunatly, i havn't had much luck. my only requirement being that i would like to wear it to school (art school to be exact... tones of pressure to be creative) and dont want to look dumpy. please help!

mer

Dear Mer,

Well, do not go to your fancy art school costume party dressed as a fat cell. Nor in any costume that requires a fake nose of any kind--neither clown nor Groucho Marx nor reindeer. Sexy witches are irritating to all other women, and not a good showcase of your creativity.

Here are two ideas: either go dressed in your normal clothes and, when asked what you're dressed as, say things like "Marilyn Monroe," or "Attorney General Gonzalez." Or, go dressed as Ariel, the Little Mermaid, after the spell has turned her tail into legs. Wear a beautiful, long wig, sparkles on your face, a breast-bearing, ocean-inspired top, and jeans.

The last time we wore a Halloween costume was some ten years ago. We bought a very realistic, Statue of Liberty mask, donned a toga, and tromped through the cold, crowded streets of Baltimore with several friends who were dressed as mimes--with white gloves, white-painted faces, striped shirts, and bowler hats. Frat boys taunted us from the opposite sidewalk with calls of "Mimes suck!" and we arrived at our party so late that by the time we walked through the door, a handful of stragglers sat slumped on the sofa, their costumes in disarray, watching a football game on TV.

Have a wonderful time!

Yrs,
Jeepers

New Medium

2006-10-24T07:58:00.000-04:00

Wear this chalk-drawn dress to the casual wedding reception party of two friends who have lived together for nearly a decade.

Coming soon: what a husband should wear to a sonogram, fast food uniforms, must-have shoes, why red lipstick matters, and how to be truly good.

Pants for a Reverend

2006-10-17T21:02:00.000-04:00

A reader writes: I am 51 years old, female, married, mother of one-freshman in college. I have no style anymore. Correction. I never had any style. I want one now. Or, I want my regular style but for 2006, not 1976. I do like that 70’s show. Can I wear my daughter’s pants that she left at home because they are too big for her? J Crew “10 reg. favorite fit” Bottoms are flared. They feel great. Not too low, but at least not as high as Land’s End. At my age, and at this dropped waist, can I wear a wide belt? My shoes look like pencils at the bottom of these pant legs. I have narrow feet and can’t find shoes that fit and look in style at the same time. Should I be looking for something chunky? Boot? Who sells boots in narrow sizes?

Signed,
Rev. Ann

Dear Rev. Ann,

The most important line in your letter: "They feel great." The cutest line in your letter: "Should I be looking for something chunky?"

We could eat you!

Yes, you should wear your daughter's jeans. Yes, you could wear a wide belt with them, although it might not be exactly slimming. Yes, we know who sells boots in narrow sizes! (Our grandmother wears size 11 slim, which is even narrower than narrow!) Her feet are so narrow she can wear hair barrettes as slippers.

Here are some other tips for rediscovering, or discovering for the first time, your style:

1) Rethink your hair. If it's like most 51-year-old women's hair, it's short and utilitarian. Consider growing it out a bit and either smoothing it down or fluffing it up. If you wear your hair in a bun, consider cutting it so it's just at or below your shoulders. Wear it down sometimes.

2) Wear blush and lip stain/lipstick. A bit of color on your cheeks can transform you (it's not just for Unitarians anymore).

3)Remember, Susan Sarandon (60 this month), is old enough to be your mother.

4) Get your hands on some more pants and jeans that "feel great," especially slim pants with a slim leg.

5) Read fashion magazines and start cutting out photographs you find beautiful. Meditate on the looks. What do you like about them?

We must dash off to work now, but may continue this discussion later. Until then,

God bless you,
Jeepers

Hiatus Interruptus

2006-10-12T00:29:00.000-04:00

Hello. Please excuse our recent absence. We've been playing tennis, competitively. There's a tennis coach (Jan, pronounced "Yawn"), and clay courts beneath a domed roof, and ice packs to apply to ankles, and lots of vitamins to take in between matches, and then just the reading--the vast amount of reading required to really improve one's game.

After a hiatus, we always find that we have no idea what to say about fashion. Here is a sketch (above). For what it's worth, note the scrunched up sleeves of the jacket, the red purse, the woman with stockings but no shoes (hot!).

Coming soon: Homeschool yourself...what to wear in the forest...and the latest/greatest mittens.

How It Works

2006-09-25T20:50:00.000-04:00

So you don't understand this website? It's really quite simple.

1. You can't decide what to wear.

2. You visit this website (What To Wear This Very Second)

3. You use the search at the top of the page to search for past advice related to your present conundrum. For instance, type in "second date with minister," or "green eyeshadow," or "to a party tonight."

4. Or, if you don't want to search, you write an email to Jeepers at dearjeepers@yahoo.com.

5. In the email, you describe your fashion problem/question/worry.

6. You check back to the website in a few hours (or a few days, or years) to see Jeepers' illustrated answer to your question.

7. You follow the advice to the letter.

"This one's for not really torturing anyone."

2006-09-25T09:15:00.000-04:00

Rejected cartoon, in honor of the U.S. Senate.

Should we civilians institute a system of medals to indicate achievement? We would be wearing the Not More Than Twenty Pounds Over Ideal Weight Commendation ribbon, the Gives Directions to Tourists medal, and the Thinks Often of Recycling Recognition Badge.

Please share your ideas for civilian recognition awards.

Toothpaste Dress

2006-09-20T21:12:00.000-04:00

We thought of this Crest-colored, faux-tattered dress as we drifted off to sleep recently. If only we could sew! And draw, and think...

But, one good idea: ugly color combinations are hot. (Like aqua with jaundice-brown, as shown here.) For your next important occasion, pair navy with pale/watery orange. Or hunter green, kelly green, and black.

Fashion Week Feedback

2006-09-20T08:34:00.000-04:00

Although Jeepers attended only one Olympus Fashion Week runway show, it was a doozy--ThreeAsFour's extravaganza of sneaky-gorgeous reinvention. More on that later.

Also coming soon: the most beautiful bathingsuit ever made, socks rexamined, sleep deprivation, and a lipstick Q&A.

"At least he died putting away what he loved."

2006-09-09T15:34:00.000-04:00

Rejected cartoon, in honor of end of summer.

To Hail a Cab

2006-09-09T15:19:00.000-04:00

Wear these long, slim pants with a tidy black leather belt and mess of cape and scarves to hail your next cab.

The Pajama Fitting

2006-09-08T21:19:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers,

I know pajamas don't really matter in the world of high fashion, but they matter to me. I have several savings accounts devoted to different purposes--one for travel, one for medical emergencies, one for a house fund. And I have an account just for pajamas. The balance is up to $430, and I'm ready to make a purchase. Any advice?

Thanks!
Renee

Dear Renee,

You say pajams, we say crazy. You are insane to have waited this long. You could have got a perfect pair $300 ago. But....since you do have such a nice nest egg and don't sound like the kind of woman to go donating flannel pj's to orphans, here's what you should do:

Purchase six yards of the most delicate cotton sateen known to man. We suggest deepest indigo, or a crazy pattern like the one pictured above, which reminds us of great-aunts who smoked cigarettes and had "divans" and played bridge and kept extra Andy Warhol paintings they didn't much care for anymore under one of the twin beds in the guest room.)

Next, contact a tailor. Go to your fitting armed with an issue of Vogue from 1957. Point to the cigarette ad on page 72. "I want a pair of pajamas like that, only perfectly tailored to my body, with lots of room to swim in."

Have the completed pajamas delivered to you by post, wrapped in many layers of faintly perfumed tissue paper. Deposit the $200 you'll have left over into your emergency cottage cheese fund!

Yrs,
Jeepers

Public Speaking Tip #8

2006-09-06T21:43:00.000-04:00

Imagine the audience in ponchos.

Coming soon: skinny pants for chubby women, animal prints, the darlingest blouse in the world, and what to wear to church.

Newyorkette

2006-09-05T09:45:00.000-04:00

What are New Yorker cartoonists wearing? Well, this morning, we are wearing pajama bottoms and a hoodie, because we are under the weather. But other cartoonist are better put together. Check it out on the always thoughtful Newyorkette, by fellow cartoonist Carolita Johnson.

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

2006-09-04T14:04:00.002-04:00

Dear Jeepers,

What should I wear tonight to an outdoor cocktail party among a sort of casual crowd? I want to look perfect, but I don't really want to go shopping, so please suggest something I might already own.

Thanks!

Christina T.

Dear Christina,

Wear a tight, thin cashmere sweater over pencil trousers with barely-there shoes and a shimmery blush.

When we asked our Granddaddy what he remembers about the very first time he saw Grandmama (back in 1947), he answered immediately: "She was wearing a sweater!"

Yrs,
J

Up in the Air

2006-09-04T11:51:00.000-04:00

To see over 400 flight attendant uniforms spanning the century, check out this labor of love from collector Cliff Muskiet. Compare United to Air France, KLM to Lot! (Note the sweet ribbon tie on the Song uniforms.)

Were we to design uniforms for flight attendants, we would veer back toward the elegant and dressy looks of the '50s. Just because you might be called upon to wrestle terrorists and pour 7-Up is no reason to dress like a counselor at a recreation camp for special kids. We might have the men in three-piece suits with long shorts (!) and the women in double-breasted suits with one-of-a-kind print scarves. Footwear, though, should stay comfortable.

Predictions for Autumn

2006-09-03T14:28:00.000-04:00

We don't mean to get ahead of ourselves--it is still summer, after all--but we suspect that you might be as thrilled as we are with the nearness of autumn and all that it signifies. Hats, scarves, new crushes, noisy leaves, blown-out skies above the dying trees, a crackling of electricity and expectations of a new year--the rushing in of evening as you lean against the wall outside the library waiting for Mama to pick you up in the Volvo stationwagon.

Or, less suburban, as in a poem by Douglas Livingstone called "Lake Morning in Autumn:"

Before sunrise the stork was there
resting the pillow of his body
on stick legs growing from the water.

A flickering gust of pencil-slanted rain
swept over the chill autumn morning;
and he, too tired tired to arrange

his wind-buffeted plumage,
perches swaying a little,
neck flattened, ruminative,

beak on chest, contemplative eye
filmy with star vistas and hollow
black migratory leagues, strangely,

ponderously alone and some weeks
early. The dawn struck and everything,
sky, water, bird, reeds

was blood and gold. He sighed.
Stretching his wings he clubbed
the air; slowly, regally, so very tired,

aiming his beak he carefully climbed
inclining to his invisible tunnel of sky,
his feet trailing a long, long time.

As Oprah is fond of saying, these things I know for sure: straight eyebrows (as opposed to arched ones) and hats are coming back strong, ready to be loved again.

Bacteria-Inspired Prints

2006-09-03T13:30:00.000-04:00

Flowers are pretty, and so are tropical birds, candy canes, and dots. But what about the other print possibilities? Clouds, trains, insects, pebbles, programming code, the surface of the moon? Well, there's nothing we can do about this, since we aren't all textile designers...

What we can do: start thinking about very long dresses for daytime, short kid-leather gloves, and false eyelashes with zero make-up.

White After Labor Day?

2006-08-22T08:10:00.001-04:00

So what IS the deal with wearing white after Labor Day? is it just no more white shoes? or is all white across the board a no-no (clothes, shoes, accessories, etc)?

Many thanks!!
Carrie

Dear Carrie,
Frankly, we wouldn't care to live in a society that dictated any prescriptions around the wearing of white accessories. The rule is this: No white shoes or white pants/skirts in the daytime after Labor Day. (Dressy evening events are in their own special category, like weddings and punk rock.)

The real thing to avoid is the wearing of summer clothes in the fall or winter. But if you can find white pants in a properly warm fabric, then they are meant for after Labor Day.

Here's a question: If a woman, made invisible by wearing all white in a driving snow storm, cries out, does she really make a sound?

Yrs,
J

Brown!

2006-08-20T17:58:00.000-04:00

Why not wear brown genie pants with a sweetheart neckline bustier, under a sharp little jacket with three-quarter-length bell sleeves? And while you're at it, why not carry a bag shaped like a tie box? This very second we love very neutral clothing paired with bright-bright nails and a kind word for strangers. Wear the loudest lipstick you can get your hands on.

The Math on Synchronized Swimming

2006-07-28T18:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Please read our scholarly article on synchronized swimming. It's been posted on the best online sports magazine in the nation.

In other news, how are you doing? Are you surviving Jeepers recent absence from fashion advice? We will be back very soon, again answering your daily satorial questions, tossing off advice, and drawing cartoons that show you what we mean.

Until then, I am faithfully yours,
J

Flat Chested and Fabulous

2006-07-04T12:48:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers,

I have a small problem--really. Why is it so hard for me to find clothes that balance out my pear shaped body? I don't have a large booty, but in comparison with my small bust, I look bottom heavy. How do I help disguise this--without breast augmentation?

Signed,
A Cup

Dear A Cup,

Show us a woman who can do a double back pike dismount off the balance beam, and we'll show you a woman with small breasts. Ballerninas are not stacked. Audrey Hepburn was not built like a brick house. So, you begin to see that you are in good company. Plus, everybody's just about had it with cleavage, after nearly two decades of overexposure.

Pear shapes have nothing to do with breast size anyhow; the shape is caused instead by narrow shoulders paired with wide hips (so cute, really!). When deciding what to wear, look to emphasize your sleek top: Think military, dancer, schoolgirl.

As a C-cup (sometimes D-cup), we envy you your figure. If we had a dime for every time we couldn't get a man to look us in the eye, every time a toddler lept hopefully into our arms, every time the dew glistened on our voluptuous mounds of flesh, distracting emergency services workers, we'd be rich.

Yrs,
Jeepers

Jeepers Is Back

2006-07-03T12:32:00.000-04:00

Finally, we have Photoshop again. So our long, national nightmare is over. And perfect timing, too: It's hot, hot, hot, and people are flooding our mailbox with one question: What should we wear in this weather? Cotton capris or long shorts. The shoe color of the moment? Light brown, just slightly darker than your legs (so, the darker your legs, the darker the shoe). If you are chocolate brown or darker, wear a shoe slightly lighter than your legs.

Coming soon: What 2 wear on Broadway, bathingsuits for fat women, and dyeing your dog.

World Cup Size

2006-06-12T11:16:00.001-04:00

Read the very latest on all the World Cup games at Austin Kelley's World Cup Newsletter. The adorable, sneaky, sharp illustrations on Austin's site are provided daily by the very handsome Marshall Hopkins.

We Are One

2006-06-11T17:22:00.000-04:00

If you think you have nothing to wear, or are otherwise depressed, just remember that we are all ineluctably connected. If you pass a gorgeous, well-dressed woman on the street, you too are in a way gorgeous and well-dressed. (And we begin to see how the torture of prisoners is ultimately self-defeating.)

Six Degrees

2006-06-11T13:28:00.000-04:00

When your brain starts zinging with electric connections between bubble skirts and Plato, Kevin Bacon and prisoners on death row, then you know you're cooking with grease.

But what does any of this have to do with what you should wear this very second?
1) Kevin Bacon wore a bubble skirt in Footloose
2) Bubble skirts remind us of hot air balloons
3) The world's first hot air ballon ascent was in 1783. The passengers were a sheep, a rooster, and a duck. (The sheep was utterly terrified, while the duck and rooster remained blase throughout.)
4) The first hot air balloons were made of silk.
5) Apparently (yay, Internet!), silkworms are easy to raise. So no more pesky shopping trips.
6) Ergo, this very second, wear a pale pink kimono fashioned of homemade silk, made in your very own apartment by your very own worms.

Making Faces

2006-05-22T13:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers:
Whenever I get my make-up done professionally, like at the Bergdorf counter, they put a light color eye shadow on my lids. Why? This doesn't seem to match those old diagrams in Seventeen magazine, where you put the darkest colors on your lid and then get lighter and lighter, the closer you get to the brow. Please discuss!

Thanks,
Jacqui Varnesi

Dear Jacqui,

We once read an article in Vogue where a French make-up artist complained that American women never put dark colors up by our eyebrows. He said something like, "Zeh are cowards, zeez American women."

Not knowing what your face looks like, we cannot speak to what looks best on you. But maybe you should take the French man's admonishment to heart and start living on the edge.

Here's how: Set aside an hour this week for utter bathroom privacy. Gather all your cosmetics, plus a good eye make-up remover. Prepare to paint your face at least three times, for three radically different looks. Have a pen and paper ready, so you can record the results. Write down your first impressions of what you see in the mirror, like "trashy," "old," "hot," "crazy," "sultry," and "ill."

We do know that light shadow on the lids tends to make eyes look more fresh, childlike, and open (and less dramatic, sexy, and mysterious). Maybe the guys at Bergdorf's think you have such pretty cheekbones and lips that you shouldn't emphasize your eyes.

Yrs,
Jeepers

Naked Menagerie

2006-05-21T17:17:00.000-04:00

Cupid Dress

2006-05-21T16:17:00.000-04:00

If you don't have one already, hurry up and get a skin tight, gray, strapless dress. Let your underarm hair grow out and apply peachy lipstick to your mouth. Voila!

(The dress shown includes applique of chubby cupid latched on to wearer's thighs. Last night as we watched yet more episodes of Alias, Marshall said, "Everybody needs to get over her. They're all in love with her!" Sydney Bristow might wear such a dress.)

Mush

2006-05-20T19:33:00.000-04:00

Wear this brushed cotton, strapless, speckled bubble dress with sandals for an early evening, late Spring/early Summer twilight stroll with the dogs through the sleepy streets of a Polish town on the Baltic coast. The market stands are closed. You missed your chance to buy radishes. But tomorrow is another day.

A Cozy Patch

2006-05-19T15:22:00.000-04:00

Chances are, it's raining where you are this very second. The perfect dress for today's weather? Airforce sweaters, or any other shirt/sweater/jacket with patches on the elbows and shoulders. This look pierces the soul. Is it the enticing admixture of military and academic origin, or the touching sense of extra-preparedness (for what exactly, we do not know)?

Coming soon: the perfect wedding dress for fourth-time brides, 10 new uses for lipgloss, the ugliest shoe in the universe, how to raise squirrels, the 5 item closet, and our favorite dresses for summer.

Do It Yourself

2006-05-17T15:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers:

What's your take on understated neutrals versus crazy colorful? I'm about to go on my annual Spring/Summer major shopping spree, and I feel torn in two directions.

Verity Whittelspoon

Dear Verity:

We're going to come down on the side of crazy colorful. And lots of pattern. Which way would you lean, Verity, if you had to make all your own clothes?

Someone needs to invent a machine that lets people design and print their own fabrics in the comfort of their own homes. This is how it would work: You'd buy a white dress, say, and bring it home. It would hang in the closet until the day you decided to pull it out. "I feel like peach polka dots today," you might say. Just punch a few buttons on the Pattern Plus XE 4000, lay the dress flat on the Input Belt, and 18 seconds later, you've got a dotted dress, sister! Within 72 hours, the dots would fade away, and you'd be left again with a plain white dress, ready for your next inspiration. Why doesn't this machine exsist?

Maybe Karl Marx would be horrified at our anti-labor fantasy. Polka dots, flowers, and stripes don't just magically appear on skirts. Someone had to think them up, draw them, TK, TK, and TK! (We're not clear on the process.)

Workers, unite!

Jeepers

Fashion Psychic

2006-05-15T18:47:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers:
As a freelancer, I get paid every once in a blue moon, but man do I get paid! I just got a check for $37,000.

Since I know I'll have blown this wad of cash in about three months time, I better buy clothes now for all the forseeable future. What's going to be hot in 2046? Can you look into your crystal ball? Because I probably won't get another check before then.

Thanks!

-Isabelle Franklin

Dear Isabelle:

We don't need a crystal ball to know what's going to be in vogue forty years from today. We need only apply basic principles of science to accurately predict that, in forty years, some of the things most odious to us today will at last come back into favor (and thank goodness, really): long twirly mustaches, saris and tunics, pointy shoes, van dyke beards, solid coiffs, bell sleeves, and nose rings.

Within forty years, men will once and for all admit they need purses. Cellulite will be considered adorable (so womanly!) and will again be referred to as "dimples." The well-manicured hand will be seen as a sign you have too much money and not enough worthy pursuits. Dogs will be bred so small they can fit easily into the pocket of your Eight jeans.

We will travel by rail and astral projection. The Democratic party will have been replaced by the Whigs. We will be nearing our 29th birthday.

yrs,
J

P.S. $37,000? When you say "freelancer," do you mean "hit man?"

Most Common Fashion Questions

2006-05-12T09:08:00.000-04:00

A recent survey of letters from readers, combined with site meter data, reveals the top six fashion questions bothering What To Wear This Very Second fans:

1) Should I ever wear green eyeshadow, and if so, when and how?

2) What should I wear with a bubble skirt?

3) Are asymmetrical haircuts back in vogue yet? ("The waiting is killing me.")

4) If the invitation says black tie, do I really really really have to get super dressed up?

5) What should I wear on a second date?

6) "what to wear when fat"

Here are our answers, plus some tips on how to find solutions to similar quandaries:

1) Yes, please wear green eye shadow at will. The age of Strict Eye Shadow Guidelines and Regulations is in the past. Haven't you noticed the rise of embarrassing reality television and constitutional crisis? Pretty much anything goes.

2) Bubble skirts (and dresses) have a soft, slightly inflated hem. They remind us of tulips and ballerinas, so they look sweetest with feminine footwear--slim flats and dainty heels. Just My Cup of Tea always hunts down the cutest, cheapest shoes.

3) Yes, asymmetrical hairstyles are so in right now. (For women more than for men.) Also, one-shoulder dresses and bathingsuits.

4) If the invitation says black tie, wear a black or midnight blue tuxedo if you are a man; a formal dress of any length if you are a woman. A wonderful source of accurate and witty answers to men's "500 most pressing" satorial questions and "dilemmas" is at mens.style.com, in a section authored by someone called the Style Guy.

5) Depends on whether you're going apple picking or out to dinner...Wear something nicer than you wore to the first date. Please be more specific in your letters to Jeepers.

6) Cheese doodle hats and deep fried trousers. (At our sister's wedding this past weekend, our little cousin Will suggested that when we get married, our dress should be made entirely of cigarettes.)

Coming up: what 2 wear in space, when 2 wear boots in summer, and a contest/search for the best Fashion Disaster Anecdotes. ("My inappropriate skirt length nearly cost me my life.")

Retro Angel, Kook

2006-05-10T12:19:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers,

I've got a closet full of clothes. That's not my problem. My daily dilemma is which of my many outfits to grab. Do you have any advice for this very second?

Thanks,
Jeannie

Dear Jeannie,

This very second we're taking our inspiration from two relatives: Aunt Toddy (who ended up looking smashing in her black pants at the wedding, because she paired them with adorable flat strappy sandals and a weird, gorgeous cream cape blouse with giant buttons), and our cousin Ariana, who looked positively edible (and potable) all weekend. She went retro and ladylike, with a dash of bubble gum.

So that's our advice. Wear something ladylike and demure, then add at least one colorful or strange element, like giant earrings, or bright green clogs.

Yrs,
Jeepers

The UGG Incubator

2006-05-03T09:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers,

What are some alternative uses for those out of season UGGs? Mine have been packed away in the back of closet, waiting to be taken out and worn again in the year 2036.

Jane P.

Dear Jane,

We don't think you'll have to wait thirty years to wear them again on your feet. In fact, we are wearing them this very second, as comfy slippers, while we putter around the house preparing a breakfast of pecan waffles and fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice. They protect our lower legs from kitty, who begs for food by hanging off us.

You could wear them on your way to lethal injection, too. (They give you the proper Dead Man Walking shuffling gait.) Or, wear them to milk the cows in that drafty barn, or to a seance in a haunted house. We wish UGG made panties.

Yrs,
Jeepers

A Poncho for Bloomberg

2006-05-01T10:53:00.000-04:00

What To Wear This Very Second was featured this weekend in Metro (page 4), a free New York daily. The reporter posed the questions, we answered, in first person singular. (Would that we had been able to maintain the plural in print.)

When Black Pants Are Necessary

2006-04-30T18:39:00.000-04:00

Hi Jeepers:

Neither Serge nor I can wear black pants. We both feel like they don't
match with anything. They are too black, and we feel cheesy and
self-conscious in them, like: Are those my legs? How do we get over it?
Should we bother?

austin

Dear Austin:

Don't bother. Just keep one pair of black pants in the way-back of your closets for those very few times in life when they are really called for: Miming, cat burglaring, strictly black tie affairs, presenting at the Oscars, and set changing in black box theater. (Note that we did not mention funerals, where any dark color is good.)

Have you seen our Favorite Site of the Week, The Satorialist? What a wonderful idea: stop well-dressed New Yorkers (and visitors), snap their picture, and share the inspiring evidence online, daily. Not many black pants pictured, we've noticed.

Yrs,
Jeepers

Shoes for Shortie

2006-04-27T09:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers,

Great site. Fantastic fashion advice. I am hoping you
can work your beautifying magic on me. Here's my
predicament:

Although I love summer clothes and can always turn up
a great outfit, I always have a hard time finding good
shoes. Comfort is my biggest problem. Don't get me
wrong: I am not a high-heel foe. Far from it. In
winter, I will drudge about in stiletto boots even in
the snow. But comes summertime, my feet are unable to
sustain wearing pumps: every shoe seems to rub against
my skin and cause me great agony. I am relatively
short and thus can't pull off the flat look. I've got
to have some heightening! Any advice on what kind of
shoe I can buy this season that would look and feel
good?

--Anana

Anana,

You can "pull off" anything, because you, my dear, are a pocket Venus! We want to scoop you up and slip you into our front pocket, whether or not you've augmented your height by a few inches in heels. (Is this the kind of sentiment your loathe?)

If you want to be taller, plus comfortable, this is your summer. Wedges, barely there sandal straps, espidrilles, and all manner of heels are available at every price. We've scouted out some good buys for you here, here, here, and here.

Not yet available in stores (because we just invented them, we think): Spring-loaded wedges, the Sole Shoe (an adhesive sole, with no shoe attached, so you appear barefoot while also being protected from hook worm.)

(Please consider painting your toenails a variety of colors this summer. Why do we do only one color at a time? Try blue, pink, racecar red, pale green, and lilac.)

Yrs,
Jeepers

2006-04-26T20:05:00.000-04:00

Wear one of these dancing costumes to your next 4 o'clock ballet class, or just for fun.

Black Pants at Weddings?

2006-04-26T10:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers:
If one had a nice pair of tropical-weight tailored wool trousers, how could one "soften" or feminize them, while at the same time dress them up for a special occasion?

I hope you answer very soon, as the special occasion is fast approaching.

"Needing Black Pants Solution"

Dear Black Pants:

We recoil involuntarily from the idea of black pants at a wedding. Maybe because of recent overuse (remember when everyone and her mother thought that black pants with a sexy top and heels equaled Appropriate for Absolutely Any Occasion?), we can't help but see black pants, and especially full-length black pants, as a cop out. And we can't think of anything worse than being underdressed at a wedding. (Well, okay, a few things.) As our mother has always said, "I'd rather be overdressed than underdressed, any day."

But if these are truly flattering and beautiful black pants, here are some ideas:

1) Mannish, all the way. The Victor/Victoria, Marlene Dietrich Solution. Pair the trousers with a severe and expensive, sharp-edged blouse and/or jacket. Carry a mother-of-pearl cigarette holder. You will appear more as a sort of supervisor of the wedding proceedings, rather than a full participant.

2) Supersexy, strange. Remember, it's a spring wedding. Pair the trousers with a fluttery, printed silk blouse and strappy sandals.

3) Understated elegance. Pair the trousers with a grey or otherwise muted, silk, puffy sleeved blouse.

4) Minor Royal. Pair with a First Lady jacket in cream, grey, or pale peach or blue. Wear a hat.

Otherwise, go buy a pretty dress.

(Anyhow, it doesn't really matter what you wear, as long as you are comfortable and not wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with obscenities. We can't wait to see you, and, along with the rest of the family, are thrilled you are traveling all this way to help celebrate the wedding of the century!)

Yrs with love,
Jeepers

What Your Skirt Says

2006-04-24T19:48:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers:
What kind of skirts are in this spring?

-Mira Grossman

Dear Ms. Grossman:

All skirts! We can't think of a shape or length that would get you arrested, shunned, or beat up this year.

We like to think of the skirt as functioning much as frames do around a painting. Instead of framing art, the skirt defines the general booty area. Thinking about it this way, you see that a miniskirt is saying "See? See? It's right here!" while the giant hoop skirt is saying "With proper fortitude and luck, sir, you may be fortunate enough to find my lower body beneath this copious, yet coy, diversion. Dive in, adventurers and navigators. All others, keep your respectful distance. Also, if there's, like, a fire or a flood, I will come in handy somehow."*

The very long, narrow skirt: "I have interesting hobbies."

The A-line: "This is my day off. I'm a women's restroom."

The pencil: "Hey, Bucko, is that your bicycle?"

The miniskirt: "Huh? Oh, yeah." (Our favorite miniskirt this very second, here.)

The Bubble skirt: "Who cares? Now let's go!"

Prettiest Dress Ever?

2006-04-22T12:18:00.000-04:00

In the May issue of Vogue, we found the above Vivienne Westwood dress, photographed by Mario Testino. We've cartooned over Keira Knightley's face because 1) She starred in maybe the worst movie in the history of movies, 2) we wanted to see what a thinner, creepier version of Jeepers would look like in the dress, and 3) this is not a site for photographs.

Coming soon: Jeepers answers one reader's question about black pants, another's question about What 2 Wear in space, and a few shout-outs to doomed fashion experiments.

Your Shopping List

2006-04-19T12:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers:

I won the Mega Millions lottery! More than $200 million! After taxes, I figure I'll have at least $40 thousand left over. Since I've always said, "If I win the lottery, I'm going to get all new clothes!" I came straight to you. What's in?

Rich, rich, rich in Ohio

Dear Ohio:

Unfortunately, you've found your fortune at the very moment when the New Spartanism has come into vogue. The best looks today embody the spirit of a Peace Corps volunteer taking her four-day vacation on a walking tour of Morocco. She's tan, slim, she packs light, she loves cotton, and she's beginning to hate the vulgar consumerism of her homeland and hoping to trade it in for a more ascetic aesthetic. Lucky for you, this look can be achieved by spending tons of dough. Basically, buy lots of tan, dove gray, black, and faded blue stuff.

No, we aren't really telling the whole truth. The best looks this very second are not confined to the Peace Corps pose: Also huge is a look that embodies the spirit of a wood sprite heiress visiting Venice in the 1890's: To her, there is no such thing as too blousy, too silky, too bejeweled, too silly, too fabulous. All we're saying is that it takes very thin legs to carry this off.

So, if you only buy 18 things today, make it these 18.

1) Gumball jewelry (fun, gorgeous, slightly African, makes you look edible)
2) White, slim (but not tight) trousers, with or without cuff
3) A little shirt dress in cotton
4) A comfortable your-skin-tone bra and panties
5) Blush and lipstick in a bright, delicious color
6) A trashcan to get rid of almost all the clothing in your closet
7) A madras or otherwise funky, colorful pencil skirt to wear with black t-shirt (A note: in searching for such a skirt, we encountered what might be the first-ever padded skirt! Because women demand to look look puffier down there.)
8) A t-shirt featuring a message of your own composition
9) A light colored, neutral bag with pockets
10) A black, cotton or silk, bubble skirt to wear with barely-there sandals
11) flat flats
12) A thick headband
13) A babydoll dress
14) A chow chow
15) flip flops
16) A spiralbound notebook for recording funny things you and friends say to each other
17) Wedge espidrilles
18) Real silk stockings (WWII is over!), sheer

Can't We All Just Get Along?

2006-04-18T14:33:00.000-04:00

It's camping time. Make sure you have what you need:
silk long underwear
socks
zip-up fleece vests
cargo pants
a bear plan
roll-your-own cigarettes
a thermos
many ziplock bags

2006-04-18T11:53:00.000-04:00

We found this email, from Aunt Toddy, in our inbox: "I need advice on what to wear to Kate's wedding. Length of dress,
measure of formality (dressiness)....things like that.
"Sunday-go-to-meetin'? Cocktail-ish or tea length?
Garden-party-esque? Long and formal (doubtful)? Hat/no hat? Etc.
Etc. I suppose I should have posed this question on What to Wear This
Very Minute, but I'm not sure my question would have been treated with
the required seriousness and aplomb that is required..... However, I
would have been treated to some fun art, that is for sure.

What are YOU guys wearing?"

Well we never! The required seriousness! The aplomb! Our sister Kate is getting married on May 6 and we certainly take it very seriously and will be internally assessing the appropriateness of all guests' attire. This (above) is what our Aunt Toddy should wear. Note that we've even provided a variety of options: a tea-length strapless number is fuscia silk, a gorgeous puffy-sleeved blouse (must be extravagant to make up for trousers) over light wool, specked trousers, or an Auntie Mame suit with fabulous hat. Feel free vote for your favorite in the comments section. God, we are such girls today. Antidote link: here.

Seriously,
Jeepers

Grass Actually Greener

2006-04-18T11:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers:

I'm a city girl about to visit my sister in the country. What should I wear? I don't even own a single pair of overalls.

City Slicker

Dear City:

Wear wrap dresses, low wedge heels, and jewelry like gumballs. Keep saying, "Your life out here is so cute! All this fresh air!"

Yrs,
Jeepers

A Crying Shame

2006-04-14T11:35:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers:

I recently got a lot of plastic surgery: cheekbone implants, breast reduction, eye lift, fishtail-to-leg reconstruction, plus a curly perm and dermabrasion. But now I'm regretting my choices! I want my old tail back! Before the surgery, I could cover vast distances in a few short hours, plunge to the ocean floor, leap from the water to the sky like a dolphin, coax men to their watery graves, etc. Now I'm stuck on this rock and the sailors don't give me the time of day. What can I do?

Neither Fish nor Fowl near Fiji

My poor dear erstwhile mermaid,

Presumably the lack of underwater television kept you ignorant of the Jennifer Grey plastic surgery fiasco. Had you seen what her nose job did to her career, you might have thought better of plastic surgery in the first place. At least your hair looks cute. (We really support the resurrection of curly perms.)

Here's what you should do, sweetheart: Get some high-quality foot fins and ditch the jeans. Get off your rock and get back into the water.

Yrs,
Jeepers

"But I Am Not on Fire, Sir."

2006-04-14T10:45:00.000-04:00

Co-winner of the Fashion Based Constitutional Law Analogy Contest "Walt" suggested that wire tapping American citizens without any judicial review is like strip searching women suspected of wearing knock-offs and SOMETIMES, with no warning, stripping women who are NOT suspected of wearing knock-offs, saying in your own defense: "But the woman's clothes were on fire, we believe." Phew.

Gwyneth's New Baby

2006-04-10T17:34:00.000-04:00

Did you hear? The beautiful and lucky Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth today to her second child, a son. The couple's first child is a girl named Apple. The new baby? A boy, Moses. Here are some of the names on our short list, for our own future lovely munchkins:

Eve
Myrna
Hartley Poe
Gwendolyn
Mary
Stationery Bike
Sylvia
Ray

Coif Watch

2006-04-10T13:37:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers:

You've mentioned recently that short, messy boy-cuts are on their way back. Really? I'm trying to decide what to do next with my hair, but should I follow advice given out on a suspiciously tongue-in-cheek website? I mean, you could just be joking, for all I know.

Tell me where you really stand. And do you have any evidence to back up your claims?

Undecided in Iowa

Dear Undecided,

We have just endured (or enjoyed) an unprecedented stretch of No Hair Style Whatsoever: May 2000 - April 2006. All attention has been on boobs, lipgloss, gorgeous clothes, and shoes, shoes, shoes, with no collective brainwaves left over for hair.

But our long, national nightmare is over. By this summer, a few brave souls (maybe you?) will finally lead the way toward more structured hair. And what better antidote to long floppy nothing than super-short, crazy, bad girl cuts? Practically shaved in the back, with long messy bangs, that's the way forward, comrades. This will be followed by all sorts of other haircuts that are full-on, unabashedly about shape--like superstraight bangs, bowl cuts, and yes, mullets for the bourgeoisie. So fun!

(The punk cuts will swing the pendulum back to more ladylike Marilyn Monroe looks by next summer.)

Yrs utterly sincerely and with our hair in a bun,
Jeepers

You've Quacked

2006-04-06T19:00:00.000-04:00

As promised...the same dress, in color.

But where are the contest winners' drawings????? They're coming!
xo
Jeepers

Black is the New Color

2006-04-06T16:17:00.000-04:00

Dear Jeepers:

Why are ALL the couture lines completely colorless this year? Even Old Navy is now advertising a new line of colorless, beige clothes. Personally, I look best in bright colors like true red and royal purple. What should I do?

Not drab in Detroit

Dear Detroit,

Fashion is our own damn fault. When jackets get all military, it usually means (the fashion anthropologists say) that we civilians feel guilty for not helping out on the front lines. Headbands denote a kiss-ass relationship to government ("See, my forehead's clean and my eyes are in plain sight!") And t-shirts with words on them are a cry for some human contact for the love of god.

Maybe the gray and black you mention means that we're collectively depressed. No, that's not it. What it means is that we don't want to be caught red-handed TRYING TOO HARD. Since the silhouettes this season are a bit preposterous (bubble skirts, miniskirts, tunics, frayed edges, military boyish meets horsey slut first skipper),the colors had to be subdued, otherwise people would be walking around looking like Pippi Longstockings (of the New England Longstockings). This is Jeepers' theory, anyhow.

If you insist on bright colors, keep your lines simple (to stay current), otherwise, wear whatever you want, darling. (Duh.)

Here's a dress we doodled recently, in all grey. Later, we'll recolor it brightly, just for you, Not Drab. You decide which version you'd rather wear to a firing range.

Love,
Jeepers

Well-Dressed Portly Men

2006-03-31T09:13:00.000-05:00

Dear jeepers,

I like the look of lean, well tailored suits but I am--ahem--husky and only foresee more husk in my future. That--coupled with a thrifty nature some mistake for miserliness-- keeps me out of such bespoke finery. So what do I do?

signed,
Poor and portly

Dear Portly,

So, you're fat and broke? Don't expect Jeepers to cuddle you adoringly for your confession. (Although we do have a secret penchant for men's big bellies.) While portly and poor are both fine things to be if you are happy with it, we can detect some deep pain beneath your sardonic bravura. Why not lose weight and get rich, quick? (You could start a line of gorgeous clothes especially for portly men, or play Powerball!)

In the meantime, my chubby darling, you should sew your own big clothes, or save your pennies for a few good, big pieces, which you may wear over and over, with cheap tees and button-downs.

Before you know it, you might be eligible to enter a contest!

Yrs,
Jeepers

Sexy Funeral

2006-03-29T12:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeepers,
What do you do when you're in love, bustin' at the seams, feel like dancing, you're suddenly able to sing along with Mary J. Blige, running ten miles a day for fun--fast--and basically on top of the damn world--and all the clothes for spring are black, grey, or some drab inbetween color I don't even know the name for? Where's the yellow minidresses and skyblue flutter pants I feel like wearing?

-Sophie Mark

Dear Sophie,
Well, you could ignore the trend, or you could concentrate on the things drab colors force us pay extra attention to: shape, scent, attitude, details, and walk. Just because you shouldn't wear candy stripes doesn't mean you have to banish joy. We mean, just because you're at a funeral doesn't mean you have to dress like someone just died.

Lotion yourself up with almond butter, show your bod, flirt with toddlers on the subway, buy flowers for your house/apartment, shop for pretty stationery and tea cups, do WHATEVER IT TAKES TO STAY AWAY FROM COLOR. (Um, we just quit smoking and are obvs. conflating the two ideas.)

We love Mary J. Blige!

Yrs,
Jeepers

Birthday Suit

2006-03-28T23:03:00.000-05:00

Another cartoon The New Yorker won't buy. Oh well. Out with the old, in with the new. Tonight, in the last few minutes of our birthday, we say good-bye to old cartoons, cigarettes (farewell! again!), and well...youth. But what a lovely day: Piles of beautiful, thoughtful presents, the phone lines tied up with calls from all over the country, and a new, sumptuous pair of striped pajamas, with pockets and a grosgrain ribbon tie. And sweet friends*, including the one who wrote this kangaroo's line.

*Bold denotes extra emphasis

The Envelope(s) Please

2006-03-27T09:55:00.000-05:00

After sifting through the nearly dozens of brilliant entries into our Fashion-Related Constitutional Law Analogy Contest, we have selected the winners. Unfortunately, both have offered analogies that strain our drawing abilities, so you'll have to wait a bit to see the pictorial representation of their grand ideas. (Plus, tomorrow is cartoon meeting day at The New Yorker, and we have zero toons completed.)

So, until we draw up the winners' ideas, suffice it to say that the hilarious Walt came up with a succinct and absurd analogy, while his co-winner, David Marc Fischer, offered a less succint, but equally apt and cogent, parable of injustice. Congrats, you two! (Old Hag, darling, and my dearest Shannon, you will always be first in my heart, even at your most confusing and irrelevant. Lauren C. of Lux Lotus, you've cast me into dispair, because I was still trying to convince myself that maybe short-sleeved jackets could maybe be a good idea, under some circumstances. Like, at a board meeting where the air-conditioner is on the fritz? Or, for the inauguration of a Bermudian president? But I guess not.)

Visiting New York

2006-03-23T11:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeepers:

I'm from Iowa and am planning a week-long visit to New York, starting this weekend. Can you suggest some outfits. I don't want to look like I'm a tourist from Iowa.

Thanks,
Carolyn V.

Dear Carolyn,

Why don't you want to look like a tourist from Iowa? We have recently discovered that there is no such thing as disguise. While you may be able to manage the look of a well-dressed tourist from Iowa who has made the effort to be stylish on NYC terms, you will never manage to look like a visitor from Georgia who has recently kicked a meth habit and is here to see her cousin. You could only achieve the look of a visitor from Iowa trying to look like a recovering addict visitor from Georgia here to see her cousin. See?

Anyhoo, here are some suggestions: Long shorts, tight short jackets, dark jeans, punk rock accents like ratty vests or neon earrings, flat round-toed shoes, crazy color combinations but with an overall muted palette. Avoid University of Iowa sweatshirts and white running shoes.

(By the way, we are loving very short, messy hair lately. It hasn't caught on yet, except among middle-aged women everywhere, but we think it's the next big thing, despite Vogue magazine's recent big feature on long tresses.) We are all so tired of struggling constantly to be pretty pretty pretty. Fuck you, you know? So, this very second, we think short-short boy cuts with a bright mouth and a bare left shoulder is HOT.)

Wishing you a wonderful stay,
Jeepers

Clean Underwear

2006-03-22T11:19:00.000-05:00

Awakened, as usual, by Morning Edition on NPR. Maddening: some Pepperdine Law School "constitutional law" professor admonishing Sen. Feingold for asking "extreme" hypothetical questions like, "Does the President of the United States ever have the right to murder a suspected terrorist without court approval?" The professor's point seemed to be: Don't force presidents into a corner, thus restricting a power they may later really need.

A woman, just some little ole citizen, said of the wire tapping (the wire tapping WITHOUT ANY COURT SUPERVISION, REVIEW, OVERSIGHT) is fine by her, because "If you're not doing anything wrong, you shouldn't mind."

If you're wearing clean underwear, you shouldn't have any objections to government guys looking up your skirt. Why should they have to go to some judge and ask permission to look up your skirt? Especially if it's to save the country from terrorists?

Umm...what?

Any better, fashion-centric wiretapping analogies you've got for us would be greatly appreciated. So.....CONTEST ALERT! Please submit your fashion related constitutional law wiretapping analogy by midnight on Friday. The winning entry will see his or her analogy illustrated and lauded on this very site over the weekend.

Love,
Jeepers

UPDATE: Winners announced!

Very Traditional

2006-03-15T18:28:00.000-05:00

Jeepers,

I've got 2 questions, one about what to wear, one about what to DO. My wedding is coming up in three weeks and my dress is GORGEOUS, my bridesmaids (all seven of them!) will be in beautiful, pale pink dresses with full, tulle skirts (like ballerinas), etc. I have something borrowed (my mommy's pearls), something old (the wedding slippers my GRANDMOTHER was married in), but nothing BLUE! Mommy says just to wear blue panties, but I don't want to cheat. I want to really have something blue, something people can SEE. What's something nice and blue I could add to my ensemble, without ruining my perfect pink and white wedding?

THANKS!
Suzanne

Dear Suzanne,

Blue eyeshadow?

Because your mother is right: The statue clearly states, in section 2b paragraph 7, that "The second party (hereafter referred to as "the bride") shall at the time of her nuptials be wearing something old, meaning older than the bride at the time of the wedding; something new, meaning not to exceed three weeks in origin or length of time in bride's possession; something borrowed, meaning lent to the bride for a period not to exceed four days past the wedding; and something blue, meaning something blue in color worn or carried anywhere on the bride's person for the duration of the ceremony, to include flowers, undergarments, or cosmetics."

So THERE.

Your guests will be celebrating the seen and unseen: your dress, his tie, your love and devotion to each other, how much he cracks you up, your long and happy future...

Don't shove cake in his face!

Yrs,
Jeepers

Until It's Really Spring

2006-03-13T20:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeepers:

What's in this week? The weather where I am (Virginia) is very mild. The daffodils are out, the air is warm, but we don't know if we can trust it. Any clothing advice in these confusing times?

Thanks,
Louisa Field

Dear Ms. Field,

Well, here in New York today it was suspiciously nice too--mid-sixties, fat blue sky, people "smiling." We spied a woman in a squash-yellow tunic and she looked pretty pleased with herself to have guessed perfectly what to wear. As far as trends go, it seems to be all about short pants or skirts paired with dark tights and flat boots (or cowboy boots). Also, some nice skirts & light colored stockings with pale flats. The Naked Legged, Barefoot Look, without really being either.

In short, buy some stockings, round-toed shoes, and tops in muted colors. The only bright colors we're tolerating this week are squash and red. Top with short leather jacket.

Next week will be a completely different story.*

Love,
Jeepers

*Coming soon (really): What to wear in space.

Why Is The Duck on That Woman's Head Staring at Me?

2006-03-13T19:22:00.000-05:00

Had Jesus lived in different times and been more interested in fashion, he may have told this parable, of the woman with a duck on her head passing judgment on another woman with a duck on her head.

Art? Or Just Little Ol' Illustration?

2006-03-12T10:36:00.000-05:00

Here is a couple discussing cat litter procedures.The man is proposing a twice per week removal. The woman is waiting for her turn to say, "You and what army?" They are both wearing 100% cotton terry robes (not pictured).

Went to the Armory Show yesterday: As Marshall said, it was like watching an entire basketball team trying nothing but hail mary's. Perhaps not enough smooth, practiced layups. (Also, are you sick of collage, pencil drawings of pussy, unfunny cartoon roughs, sliced up maps, and collage collage collage?)

Nevertheless, points were scored! We personally were amused/delighted/inspired by Kelly McLane, Ann Craven, Gabi Hamm, Rita Ackerman, Marco Boggio Sella, Susanne Simonson, Sophie Hellermann, and Walton Ford.

Coming soon to this site: What to wear in space.

Get Your Ducks in a Row, Jobseekers

2006-03-02T19:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeepers:

What's your take on solids versus patterns? I have a bunch of interviews coming up, and my sister says I absolutely must wear solids. In fact, she says I have to wear a black skirt suit with a blue shirt underneath and a conservative necklace. I've argued with her about this, and she says: "What the hell, Claire? This is not the time for you to express your inner Pucci. Wear the black suit, get the job, and then go to work every day in a paisley jumpsuit, for all I care." Do you agree with her?

Just wondering,
Solid in St. Louis

Dear St. Louis:

You are staying at your sister's apartment, right? Sleeping on her sofa while you job hunt? Although we sympathize with your sister's frustration (stop drinking milk straight from the carton, put your drum kit in storage, and for godssake get control of your ferrets), you are correct, and she is dead wrong. If a little pattern on your blouse leads a prospective employer to suspect you of being an embezzler, you don't want to work there anyhow.

Do you watch Project Runway? When whatshername was eliminated in the ballgown competition, the episode where everyone made boring, shiny, solid dresses? Someone should have designed a cotton corduroy dress with a printed shirtwaist top! Or a pale peach denim gown with a vast, bell-shaped skirt and black embroidery! Or, a most elegant black satin dress in a 1940's Dior sillouette, covered in a smattering of pink and yellow rubber duckie print. Doo-dads and gewgaws, people! That's how you get ahead in this world. Auntie Mame meets geranimals.

Oh, by the way, what jobs are you applying for? Food co-op manager, double agent, or French professor? Not that it makes that much difference...

Wishing you good luck and the wisdom to realize that "freelancing" is the way to go (We are freelancers, and we wear mostly wifebeaters!),

Jeepers

Underwater

2006-03-01T00:28:00.000-05:00

Merbaby in bangle bracelets. The look of the moment.

Quail Hunting

2006-02-25T16:13:00.000-05:00

The White House releases previously classified photographs of Harry Whittington, Vice President Cheney's hunting companion.*

*Cartoon rejected by The New Yorker two weeks ago. (Was funnier then.)

Saturday at the Museum

2006-02-25T12:37:00.000-05:00

Wear this delicate silk tunic, covered in palm trees, cinched with a narrow, purple suede belt. Pair with sheer blue hose and deeper blue suede pumps. The bag this very second has a v. long strap. Operating principle: ladylike, but with a weird color palette.

Back From Portland!

2006-02-24T20:16:00.000-05:00

We are very bossy, always giving out a flood of unwanted advice, telling people what to wear this very second, how to meet men to fall in love with, rearrange the apartment, become a rock star, etc. But some things can't be handed out in words. For instance, we could describe all the benefits of a trip to Portland, to no effect. You must actually go. If you are sad, stuck, bored, lonely, or nervous: go on a trip this week! (Even if just a bike ride to the edge of town.) Jason Warshof, scholar of secondary American cities, totally gets this. He dragged us, one rainy Sunday not long ago, to Newark for an unguided walking tour. Our grandfather, William Sanders, who turns 89 today, also knows the mysterious power in unguided journeys--to overgrown Appalachian cemeteries, river banks where his and other people's ancestors farmed centuries ago, dusty courthouses. He insists on seeing for himself, even into the past.

When a New Yorker hangs out in Portland for five days, she can see that New York City is a not a giant dome of neon ambition enclosing her soul like an serrated iron vice (oh, the materials science research that goes into this site!), but just another rectangle on google maps. In Portland we ate mushroom pie in the darlingest apartment you ever saw, biked through wide, rainy streets, went to a club crowded with nervous twenty-somethings, and dined at Amber Bell's place. Amber quilts maps onto small squares of cloth. Here's thirty city blocks of Portland. See the two-inch green muslin park?

We flew home in a window seat: The cars below were too small even to be toys (a choking hazard). Several automobiles got stuck under our fingernails. Whole lakes like sequins, rivers like silver threads, or slenderest, glinting lines of shrew drool. And do those farmers know how perfectly square they've managed to make their alfalfa fields? Do the Iowans know how flat they're living? Just outside Chicago there's marshland shaped just like a man with his mouth open. "Hey, you, move your farm slightly to the left, and plant golder crops."

Fashion Quotient Quiz

2006-02-18T12:47:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Choose an outfit (hat, top, skirt, boot) from the list below.

Answer Key:
If you selected
A,A,A,A
Where are you going? Well, you are a funky sweetheart and may be three months pregnant. The matching of the hat buttons to the boots is a bit much, and that skirt is so last fall.

A,B,A,A
People don't take you seriously. Take up weekly meditation.

A,C,A,A
You are a sexpot and a teenager. You probably love animals. Invest in a good black blazer.

A,A,B,A
Very elegant. You love the beach and keeping secrets. You are tall. Lose yourself in enthusiasm and spontaneous laughter.

A,A,C,A
Very clever. We love you.

A,A,A,B
We love that gap between your goofy skirt and those little yellow boots. You are an athlete, right?

A,A,A,C
You think you're so cool, and you're partly right, due to your skinniness. Nice walk.

A,A,A,D
Adorable! You like boardgames. Work on being more aggressive in the face of bossy people.

B,A,A,A
You are a goofball.

B,B,A,A
Did you lose all your belongings in a recent housefire?

B,C,A,A
Punk rock. But underneath it all, you are a little princess, right?

B,A,B,A
You don't care much about clothes. Maybe you are gorgeous and know that it doesn't much matter what you wear.

B,A,C,A
You often ruin a perfectly fabulous outfit with bad shoes. Attention to detail, pumpkin.

jeesh! How many possible combinations ARE there? To be continued....

When Apologizing

2006-02-16T10:02:00.000-05:00

Those all in a huff at the Vice President's circuitous route to apology--"Ultimately, I am the guy who owned the finger that pulled the trigger of the French-made weapon that fired the round that hit Harry."--should give him more credit. He was, after all, wearing a hair suit at the time of his confession. So if he didn't sound contrite enough, know that beneath that suit, his chest was itching like crazy.

On St. Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T15:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeepers:

My boyfriend says that our preoccupation with Valentine's gifts for women is symptomatic of our culture's skewed perception of romantic love. Why don't I give him flowers and chocolates for a change, he says. (I think he forgot to buy me anything.) Last year he gave me a hood bra for my car. That was sort of romantic.

My questions are these: What can I give him tonight that will prove I don't have a skewed view of romantic love, and 2) what should I wear to dinner?

With thanks,
Julie Snow

Dear Ms. Snow:

Some gift ideas:
1) A book of Robert Bly poems. For instance, Friends, You Drank Some Darkness, his translation of three Swedish poets.
A sample goes,

A Dreamt Poem

Her cheeks are like butterfly wings and the pale stuff
stays behind in the insides of my hands.
Her fingers are flute-like and her skin like the mother-
of-pearl cloak in the womb of the oyster.
Only an astrologer with a pointed hat could read the
future in her insides which are filled with
stars:
Wrapped in leaping clouds of glowing stuff and
fluttering fringes of cloth the formless
unformed body blazes forth under the
indistinct bindings of sleep.

In other words, girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.

2) A sketch, by you, of yourself mostly naked, lying on a cloud of pink petals.
3) The most hi-tech shaver you can find, with at least five blades. (Although it's not really auspicious to give cutting implements.)
4) A kitten.
5) A small pewter bowl for his keys.

You should wear something flowy, but dressed down. Slouchy and pretty are our watchwords to you. And feather boa, that's another watchword.

Happy V Day,
Jeepers

But Don't TALK About Your Cat Too Much

2006-02-09T10:50:00.000-05:00

Back when we served in the U.S. Army, we often skipped our shift at the motor pool to watch C-SPAN, including all of the Anita Hill hearings before the judiciary committee. That was when we fell hard for Arlen Specter, who is still the man. He has principles, you know?

The principle guiding this week's best look is "What would my cat like me to wear?"

Try one of these outfits today. Note that they all satisfy a cat's penchant for solid colors, wool and cashmere, and judicious use of dangly/bouncing/sparkling ornamentation. Also, they all look cozy.

New Year's Eve Plans

2005-12-31T17:05:00.000-05:00

Whether you're attending a bash or staying home to fence with your dog ("Touche!"), have a v. happy last day of 2005.

Remember that tonight doesn't matter much (wear whatever); it's tomorrow, the first day of a fresh year, that should be made special. Last New Year's Day, we ice skated in Central Park with Tara and Liesl, then dined on corn bread and black-eyed peas at Liesl's place, then relived, over and over again in our mind, that New Year's Eve kiss--two soft mashing together of lips in Andy's kitchen. You only get to kiss him for the first time once. And even if you stay together your whole lives, the first year together dies, and then each moment afterwards does too. You know that advice, that we should live each day as if it is our last? Jeesh! Almost impossible to follow, but also impossible to avoid following, even if by accident. Which reminds us...

It is true, as someone has said, that in
A world without heaven all is farewell.
Whether you wave your hand or not,

It is farewell, and if no tears come to your eyes
It is still farewell, and if you pretend not to notice,
Hating what passes, it is still farewell.

Farewell no matter what. And the palms as they lean
Over the green, bright lagoon, and the pelicans
Diving, and the glistening bodies of bathers resting,

Are stages in an ultimate stillness, and the movement
Of sand, and of wind, and the secret moves of the body
Are part of the same, a simplicity that turns being

Into an occasion for mourning, or into an occasion
Worth celebrating, for what else does one do,
Feeling the weight of the pelicans' wings,

The density of the palms' shadows, the cells that darken
The backs of bathers? These are beyond the distortions
Of chance, beyond the evasions of music. The end

Is enacted again and again. And we feel it
In the temptations of sleep, in the moon's ripening,
In the wine as it waits in the glass.

-Mark Strand (From Dark Harbor)

Travel Tips

2005-12-19T16:20:00.000-05:00

"What am I supposed to do? Just buy a brand new handgun when I get to Columbus?"

Dear Jeepers:

What do you suggest wearing
on an airplane?
Signed,
"Flying home for Christmas"

Dear Flying,
Jewelry with sharp edges, fur,
a lot of perfume, pointy boots with
steel-enforced toes, delicate hosiery,
linen blouse, short-shorts.
Happy holidays,
Jeepers

Christmas Or Bust

2005-12-14T11:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeepers:
I own a gift shop in Soho. Yesterday, a shopper had a breakdown in the scented candle aisle. She ripped the fur hat from her head, swept a whole row of $40 fig oil infused candles from the display table, and started hollering about world poverty. My sales clerk and I had to wrestle her to the floor. The worst part is, this isn't even the first time this sort of thing has happened this holiday shopping season. A man who was shopping for a gift for his wife broke into silent sobs last week and we had to guide him into the inventory closet until he got a hold of himself. He was really disturbing my other customers! What's going on? Also, what sounds like a better deal to you: "$43," or "%20 off $59"?

Thanks,
Ralph Bebeneck

Dear Mr. Bebeneck,

Surprisingly, the problem isn't too much gift giving, it is too little. Our current set-up has us ignoring generosity, surprise, and presents for loved ones eleven months out of the year, only to shift into gluttonous, panicked giving in December. Unused to asking ourselves, "What would she want? What would make another person happy?" the question rears up enormously, indicting our normal selfishness. Naturally, the rush of magnamity reminds us of the whole, wide world, and that there are billions of humans who live off less than $2 a day, millions of men and women who would have to do three months of dangerous coal mining to afford a single scented candle in your store.

Consider going out of business (for real, this time). Or, you could do something less drastic. Like provide health insurance to your employees. Bah dum dump.

Merry Christmas,
Jeepers

Pete's Candy Store

2005-12-09T18:55:00.000-05:00

Tonight's the night! Marshall "Lightning Studio" Hopkins is performing with his bluegrass band, The Dougless Trio, at Pete's Candy Store in Brooklyn! He just left the apartment with a mandolin slung on his back and a tote bag in the crook of his arm. The boys will start strumming and crooning at 9 o'clock. The Dougless Trio is our favorite New Yorker cartoonist band and it features the angelic voice and mandolin playing of one dreamy hunk of man, Marshall Hopkins, plus the hilarious Eric Lewis on guitar and vocals, and the brilliant and hard-working Matt Diffee on banjo. (Hmm, is this all there is to show biz public relations? The cold hard truth?) Anyhoo, we must go get dressed!

A New Day

2005-12-08T10:24:00.000-05:00

This morning we wish we could wear winter-white boiled wool with colorful gemstones on our fingers and ears. Sort of Native American princess in ceremonial garb meets my expensively dressed mother at Christmas wafting Chanel and recently manicured glossiness. Definitely not a day for jeans. (Check back soon for a diatribe titled "Jeans Are Dead," or "We Grow Weary of Other People's Butts")

2005-12-05T14:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeepers:
Last year I spent nearly $2,000 on Christmas presents, so this year I want to make all my presents for people by hand, inexpensively. I can't weave baskets, I can't sew, I can't draw...what can I make? Also, what should I wear to my parent's annual holiday party, which last year ended with a fist fight in the kitchen between two old men over some real or imagined insult to one of the caterers? My mother, who is very thin and beautiful, told me last year: "You look like a flight attendant in that dress."

Thanks,
Veronica Bruce

Dear Ms. Bruce:
If your mother was referring to a Jet Blue or USAir-type flight attendant of contemporary times, then we can't really see how her remark was all that insulting. It's just as if she had said, "You look mildly attractive, although not truly hot."

Darling, you can weave baskets, you can sew, and you can draw. Get some straw, thread, and paints and sit down and do it!

Other handmade gift ideas: faces, animals, or beautiful patterns carved into Ivory soap. (Our mother still has three soap faces, carved by our great-grandmother, framed behind glass.) Ginger bread. Homemade perfume (made with vanilla, crushed flowers, cinnamon, etc.). An illustrated family tree. Hand-sewn purses. Hand-forged autos. Homebuilt computer equipment. Homebrewed antibiotics. Personalized advice booklets. Coupons for nonexistent services.

We're really getting in the holiday spirit over here! We hope you are too!

Yrs,
Jeepers

A Quick Quiz

2005-12-04T17:35:00.000-05:00

Match the woman to the handbag. Then, assign each purse a number from 1 to 7--7 meaning exquisite and 1 meaning foul--multiply by 3. If a friend called to ask a favor, would you: a) Cackle b) heave sigh c) run right over in the snow barefoot, without locking your front door or finding a babysitter for your infant, or, d) give yourself a few hours to thoughtfully consider the request, then politely call back and explain to your friend that you feel she is overstepping the bounds of friendship and making unreasonable demands. Add the scores of the two highest scoring handbags, then add 8 points to that sum if you answered "a," 6 points if you answered "b," 4 points if you answered "c," and 17 points for "d." You glorious darling! You adorable reader! You England.

It's Snowing in New York!

2005-12-04T11:47:00.000-05:00

We gave our favorite man a kitten for his birthday. You take a chance, when you do that: You'll either end up with a cuddly bundle of purring fur, serene cat gazes, voluntary nose-to-nose touches, or you've got a wild animal in your apartment. We ended up with the wild animal scenario, which has its own pleasures, Jane Goodall moments, with us crouching in the corner scribbling observations into a notebook and the young cat specimen dashing out of reach.

When the radio announcer says it's going to snow overnight, you'll either end up with a gray, wet morning, or with a Winter Wonderland. This morning we got the wonderland! The corner grocery has only "soy eggnog," So make your own eggnog! (The recipe is surprisingly gross: Three dozen egg yolks, one vat heavy cream, a Tequila worm, nutmeg, and some phlegm.)

Oh, we've sighted the cat!

After Thanksgiving

2005-11-30T22:56:00.000-05:00

The tent dress.